How would you handle this situation?

Question

My significant other and I are not married and have 2 children together ages 8 and 7.  I have a daughter from a previous relationship age 12.  My significant other has and always will claim my oldest daughter as his child.  He and I have been together since I was 6 months pregnant with her.  He is the only father she has ever known.  My family is fine with this situation, however, his family is not.  His parents do not recognize our oldest daughter as part of the family and this really effects her now.  For the last 12 years she has been treated as an outcast in his family functions.  Most of his family has accepted her, but his mother refuses to treat her as she does his biological children.  This has been a problem since the 8 year old was born.  My oldest daughter has seen how the younger children are treated and doted over and has become upset over this several times in the past.  I have talked to my significant other many times about this and he has told me time and time again that he can do nothing to change his mother's behavior.  They are not unkind to my daughter in any way, they just treat her differently.  It is almost a toleration instead of a family love.  We have a family Christmas celebration every year at their house on Christmas Day.  My oldest daughter has told me she really doesn't want to go. I think it is important that the whole family spend the day together as it is Christmas, but I don't want to force her to go somewhere that she feels uncomfortable and left out.  Should I make her go or stay home with her?  Either way, we won't be really happy.  Sorry for the length of this question.  I just didn't know how to sum it all up.

? · Accepted Answer

Your S O is right, there's nothing that can be done about the way his mother feels toward a girl who is not his.  Sorry.

Do you have family that is accepting of her?  If so, maybe she can go with them while you and your S O goes to his family.  Otherwise, if not, maybe staying home with her this year will show her that she is loved.  I don't doubt you show her love, but on this occasion, asking her to go where she feels uncomfortable can only make a bad situation worse.  Keep in mind too that she is beginning to transform from a child to a woman.  Hormones may play more of a role in her feelings, especially where she perceives that she is unwanted but tolerated.

I'm glad your S O loves her, and perhaps for her sake the whole family will stay home this year.  It may send a message to the others, but may also start a feud, you don't need that.  It's tough to find a compromise, but you need to keep in mind that she MIGHT be old enough to be left home alone too - but only if she asks to do so.  Don't suggest it, don't bring it up.  But if she does ask specifically to NOT go, I'd say grant her her wish.  Maybe she has close friends who she can spend the holiday with, just an after thought.

Best wishes for the holidays.

")

Margaret C · Answer

Do you have a Christmas tree at home?  For the immediate problem, you should all stay home and enjoy Christmas together at home.  If your husband insists on going to his parents, then just you stay at home with your daughter.

For the long run,  why don't the two of you get married, and he adopt your daughter legally as his own?  If, after that, they still don't treat her the same, start having your Christmases at home or with your parents.  Share this idea with him in advance so he can get used to the idea.

sightseer · Answer

I think your partner needs to set his mother straight.
Tell her that he considers her as his own and equal to the others and EXPECTS her (his mother)
to do the same, or else none of the kids will come over.

Trending News

How would you handle this situation?

3 Answers