Is there a forum or website I can go to to talk about PTSD from living in a war zone?

Question

This is a re-post because I realized I accidentally put my first question in an irrelevant category.

I don't mean to drop a bombshell on my close contacts who read this, but since I was 15 years old, I've kept this to myself because it was too much to deal with. I suppose my emotional fragility from other events that occurred in the past few months created the right conditions for this to happen.

I lived in Uganda as a young teenager, with my mother (though most of the time, we were in different parts of the country). She's a child psychiatrist and went there to work with children who had escaped from the north of Uganda, where the rebels were. I was safely tucked away in a small school full of Ugandan children (many of which were my age, and who I became fast friends with), but that still wasn't enough to keep me from the experiences I had.

I witnessed some really ugly things there that I didn't know how to deal with as a child. Since I've gotten back to the USA, I've pushed it into the furthest reaches of my mind and never spoke about it with anyone, outside of the few individuals I've met who had been to Uganda. The most I have ever mentioned is that I lived there, and that's always been the extent of my discussion of the topic.

However, this past Saturday, I finally broke down. I was at a small get-together with friends and we were all having a good time. I'm sure the two or three whiskey-Sprites I had helped contribute to this breakdown, but I also was speaking to a young woman who had been to Nepal and saw similar things, and it was like a torrent of memories came back and I couldn't shut myself up. I felt guilty for ruining the mood of the party, but I also felt this incredibly strong compulsion to speak as a witness, as someone who had been to that part of the world and came back. I had never told my story before because I always felt too humbled and ashamed when compared to the actual victims of the LRA in Uganda, but I also recognized that I was affecting these people I know. They all were quiet and wanted to hear my story, as ugly as it was. In all honesty, I feel like that was the best justice I could have done for all the people I met over there, especially the people whose fates I know nothing about. I don't consider myself a hero; I was just a little girl. I don't want pity or comfort, I just want people to listen and think about what goes on outside of the rich bubble of the west.

Now that the walls about this have come down, I was able to speak more calmly to a close friend of mine. She told me that she has no idea how to help me with this since she's never been in my shoes (just as everyone else at that get-together had never been in my shoes). She recommended that I seek out some online forum or website where I can speak with other people who had been through what I went through and were trying to heal from it. I feel more encouraged than ever to try and speak up for people who are forgotten about in this world, but I know I need to heal myself first before I can do that.

I am grateful that the LRA is no longer active in Uganda, but it's a flip coin because they are now active in other countries in Africa, hurting people the same way they hurt the people I met and grew close with over there. This is a painful thing for me to deal with because I know that there are more victims being made, almost a decade after I came back from there. I am an older and wiser person now, but I still have no idea how to deal with this ugly reality that I tried to ignore for so long. I keep having dreams (or rather, nightmares) of what I saw and the people I met. I remember this boy my age whose entire family was slaughtered before his eyes, and his entire village burned. I remember a 14-year-old rape victim who was forced to bare the child of her own rapist. I remember an HIV-positive toddler that I regularly babysat while his mother worked, and I remember thinking that his future was so short. It feels almost surreal that I lived side-by-side with these people.

Where can I go to speak with people with experiences such as myself? I can't even talk to my therapist about it because she's never been through that, and I wouldn't be able to trust her advice. I just want to speak with other people like myself and hear how they've dealt with things, especially people who went through that as children. I've tried talking to my mother, but I don't think she understands that our experiences were different because she's much older. She doesn't understand that I was so young and it was such a shock for me.  I think she might also need help with what she saw (since she's gone back twice since then). My younger sister also went to Uganda but she doesn't like to talk, either.

Thank you in advance.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Online there is a fabulous group called Africa Renewal. They are aimed at publicising and preventing just this kind of violence all over East Africa. It is a brilliant group because it is very female centred and very Afrocentrist,. Begun BY African women FOR African women and children.

http://www.un.org/ecosocdev/geninfo/afrec/vol21no2/212-violence-aganist-women.html

Members  take power back by engaging in direct community action to stop this violence. Taking power back for those who have experienced the  powerlessness of being the victim of violence is the first and most essential step on the path to healing. I would also suggest that Medicines Sans Frontiers could be a good start point for you, being the child of a doctor, They will certainly have experience in debriefing traumatised aid workers and may be willing to refer you to sites where help can be found for you.

I suspect your mother believes she can intellectualise what she saw and heard in Uganda because she is a professional carer. She will seek to minimise her own trauma because she knows that there are so many children back there desperately needing the help she can offer them. She will be afraid that if she admits to herself how deeply affected by it she has been she will be unable to return there.This will make her feel she is abandoning the kids and thus she refuses to risk it.

Torture survivor groups in your area will also exist I am sure and once again they will be able and willing to help you out. I don't know what state you're in, though I know you have told me several times so thus far I can only be very general. I have sent you my private email address so that you can let me know again where you are in the US and we can begin to be more specific about how to get you some face to face debriefing.

Leave this with me. I am sorry it took so long to answer I have been out all day with the kids (it's school holidays here)

(((Avocado)))

You're the kind of person the world needs more of honey. We'll get you through this and I know from what I have seen of you here that you will be a force to be reckoned with when you emerge from this grief you are feeling and are ready to fight those dragons you met so long ago in Uganda.  There's a warrior in you too baby. But the kind who only knows how to fight when it is to prevent harm, not inflict it.

Until we can be more specific about your own needs for counselling (I think a lot of face to face eventually will be needed but if it's better for you to start online you do it) try working through the sites I have listed below. .

Only you know what you can deal with in terms of talking About this and it has been repressed a long time. You'll be feeling very overwhelmed right about now. So cry if you have to when you have to. There are a lot of unshed tears inside you...and a lot of unexpressed rage and fear. Do not be hard on yourself if it occasionally comes out at inopportune times, OK?

Oh honey...I am so sorry you had to see this so young.

@EDIT: This page will be of especial help to you, I think. It's from the first website I listed below:

http://tassc.org/blog/about-us/international-communities-of-healing/

? · Answer

I've been sitting here trying to come up with the the right words, and I've been having no luck. I've looked for words that would give you comfort, words that would ease your pain, and finally, words that would provide you with direction and clarity. Frankly, I don't think I have them in me. All that I can offer you is my support. I know that you're hurting, and I'm here for you if you need me. I'm sorry that you had to witness such ugly, tragic and traumatizing events at such a young age. The people that you knew may have suffered far more than you did, but, as I'm sure you know by now, that doesn't make your pain any less real. I think your humility in this matter is admirable, and that you display a lot of character and strength. I also think that your experiences have given you a unique, enlightened and valuable perspective, one that most people couldn't hope to approach. The terrible things that you've witnessed, while profoundly heartbreaking, were also the very experiences that helped you develop into the bright, compassionate and introspective person that you are now. Here is a website that provides support for people who have shared experiences like your own.

http://www.support4hope.com/ptsd/

Let me know if there is anything that I can do to help.

http://www.support4hope.com/ptsd/

Let me know if there is anything that I can do to help.

Anonymous · Answer

My darling girl, I cannot tell you how proud I am to know you, nor how much I admire the courage that it takes to face your experiences honestly and want to deal with them constructively and openly. The horror of what went on in Uganda while you were there was apparent to me just from reading about it - I cannot imagine what it must have been like to have been there, to have met LRA victims and survivors, to have seen the consequences of the depravity of that conflict...to have been a child exposed to that. That you did experience that trauma and still, before ever dealing with it, remained as honest and openhearted as you are is really remarkable. 

There are support groups that focus on those suffering from war-related PTSD, but they seem to be mainly for veterans. However, any therapist who specializes in PTSD should be able to help you with the disorder, even if they haven't gone through what you've been through.

I would contact groups dealing with advocacy for survivors of the conflict and ask them what resources they can recommend - groups such as:

http://www.advocacynet.org/page/story1

They may know how to get in touch with support groups or a survivors' network that can help you to deal with the specific experiences you had or witnessed. They may also provide you with a way to help your healing process by addressing the consequences of the conflict in productive ways.

Good luck, darling...you really are remarkable.

((((((((((Avo))))))))))

Marcus · Answer

How extraordinary.

Your decision not to bury and repress the trauma is critical and very wise. It always resurfaces, usually at unwelcome times and in unpredictable ways.

I have a friend who's young daughters were also in Uganda during the genocide. I will speak to him. Perhaps this may point to interesting options.

Anonymous · Answer

((((Avo)))) I've witness some traumatic stuff in my life too.  Though I've never had full-blown PTSD (ie prolonged flashbacks) I know what it feels like to have reminders of your ordeals triggered from everyday occurrences.  I suggest seeing or talking to a professional therapist if possible.  If that's not an option at the moment just talk to someone you trust.  I'm here if you need anything.

<3TIMA

OURScott · Answer

I've seen and participated in some hellish sh!t in my life.
For most of my life I used drugs and alcohol to repress those bad memories.
After my 94 accident and amnesia, recurring flashbacks brought out full blown PTSD.
It took 5 trips to rehab and two years of therapy to get my sh!t together as much as it's ever been.
Now I finally feel comfortable being me for the first time in my life but it took 60 feck'n years.
Don't wait as long as I did to get yourself help.

RScott

Anonymous · Answer

Wow.  I do know what you mean about suddenly wanting to talk and talk and tell your story so everyone can understand what you've seen.  That happened to me.  I can't seem to shut up about postpartum psychosis.

I don't know where you can go, but I would start on meetup.com.  There are all kinds of groups on there who meet, and there may just be a refugee group.

. · Answer

http://www.healthfulchat.org

hope this helps

chat room for ptsd there

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Is there a forum or website I can go to to talk about PTSD from living in a war zone?

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