Dudes! Would this beginning excite you?

Honest thoughts/critiques:

1) Al and Arthur's names each begin with "A." Correct this. It's never good to make main character's names begin with the same letter, it may confuse readers.

2) The scene was rushed. There was no build up or feeling of anxiety or worry for Al's predicament. Not well execute.

3) The vocabulary is telling. You are a young person trying to write dialogue for two seemingly wise, older men. You failed. The dialogue not only is long, redundant, sappy, unrealistic, and poorly written in itself...but it's not at all believable for two brothers...more like two lovers. And worse, it acts as an information dump (a means for you to throw in back story). It also sounds very "Hollywood" as though Arthur were standing before a large army, giving a speech to inspire and raise courage...it's inappropriate.

Now, to correct this, stop trying to force the reader to feel. Just focus on telling the story. If you do your job well enough then you'll provoke emotions from us without intentionally trying to. Also, work on your dialogue (a massive weak spot of yours), and draw out the scene. And avoid the "suddenly this happened, then this, then he was bleeding again!!!!" It's terrible. Learn how to write by writing more. Keep working on it. You may have a very good story hidden beneath all of these errors but there's no way of knowing unless you stick to it.

Sorry if this sounded harsh, I meant only to help. Don't give up, keep on cracking and good luck....dude.

Ok, so I've been meaning to answer these questions, but I haven't been able to.

I almost feel like you cut out a little too much. This one is too straight forward and Arthur talks too much. I'm going to post some advice on your last question that might help a lot.

Anyway, back to this one.

I'm sorry, I had a really hard time reading it. The main problem with this is that you dumped too much information on the reader at one time. Use action. Especially when someone is speaking. Something as simple as a sneeze could make Arthur's speech more interesting.

Why?

Think about little kid movies. The characters never talk for more than a few minutes at a time. If they do, the kids get bored and leave. That's why the characters are always moving.

Is rambling on and on about being united through fire and flame really necessary? If this was the beginning of the book, I would either skim that whole overdone speech or stop reading altogether.

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be rude.

Second, this is even more confusing than your other versions. For what reason would someone be sitting there and start bleeding out of puncture wounds????? Is this supernatural? If so, you need WAY more exposition.

I agree that the dialogue is too sentimentally strong. Too much emotion. It's fine if that's who the character is (whoever is speaking that last paragraph), but it's also annoying because he drags on about it and repeats himself. Again, if that's the type of character he is (arthur) then that's fine. I think you give us too much of it in the last paragraph. It's overwhelming. But then again, it might be justified, but we have little to go on and have no background info about what happened (assuming that info will come later).

Don't let anyone tell you that your dialogue is unrealistic. It completely depends on the character you've created. And, I don't have a problem with the dialogue if they're both adults. It's really hard to tell from such a small sample.

Your grammar and communicate are quite sturdy, basically to allow you to comprehend. yet, if it really is the starting up of the tale, you've thoroughly lost me. in case you put off telling readers what's occurring, some human beings will lose interest. EDIT: ok, that really did not sparkling something up.