i'm taking a sleeping pill during the day as a sedative - long read?

well.... i've been trying to ignore this horrible crap but it's just not working. i'm having intrusive thoughts of my loved ones being raped - and even though i know it's not real i just can't stand by and let these thoughts go through my head.

the thoughts are so bad i cry and scream for it to stop. in 2009, when i started to go through this, i couldn't stop crying and the neighbors would call the police to my apartment..... at the time, because of my yelling, i was taken to the mental hospital even though i didn't want to go. i won't even talk about how bad of an experience i had there - i will just say that it is no place for a girl as they don't separate men from women.

i was put on risperdal and it worked but it made me gain 30 lbs. and raised myprolactin levels.... because of this my doctors - gp and psychiatrist - told me to get off it because it also raised my cholesterol. i was also on celexa but it didn't help and even made the risperdal not work anymore. so eventually it told my psychiatrist that i didn't want to take my medication anymore because it wasn't working - so he just stopped me off my meds "cold turkey".... just like that.

now i think i'm going through withdrawals and am having the same reaction that i had when i first stopped taking my medication and had to go back on it.

the last time i was off my meds and it was this bad i started taking several sleeping pills (over the counter sleeping pills) and some vodka to get drunk. it was controlling the ocd because i was in a drunken stooper. but during the same time i tried to kill myself because it was that bad with the ocd. needless to say the pain in my heart from taking all those pills made me stop myself. i don't recommend it because the pain in your heart is really bad and in the left arm too.

however, now, after telling my doctor that i wanted to discontinue taking all my medication - after stopping me cold turkey on my anti-depressant and anti-psychotic - he did put me on prescription sleeping pills (ambien).

so now when the ocd gets bad and i start to bother the neighbors with my crying (so i won't go back to the mental hospital)..... i take a sleeping pill/ambien for the day - in the afternoon - so that it can act as a sedative..... it makes me feel groggy and sometimes i smile because the ocd is less.....

after i'm done taking the afternoon ambien use another ambien to go to sleep and tak another pill at night time.

so what i wanted to know was..... what will happen to me.....? is this safe (as it's only two a day) and do you think my psychiatrist can prescribe me a valium/sedative so that i won't have to take a sleeping pill during the day and only use one at night?

i need help cause this stuff is just too much for me to handle and i am over my head in this.