I don't think moms of small children should join the military?

Question

And I came to this conclusion bc of my own career exploration yesterday when I walked into an army office and asked out of curiosity if I were "too old" at 28 to join/enlist. the recruiter lit up and said no and began to inform me of all the "perks". I mentioned I was a non-married mom to a 3 y/o girl and he said it's best to get married or else i have to sign over my custodial rights if I want to join (to her father whom I live with).

anyways I forgot about training being 2 mons or longer away---and bc of my bachelor's degree---I could qualify for a higher ranking which would mean even longer training and even longer time away from my baby.

My daughter is my only child and very attached to me, her mommy. Most young chidlren whom have formed and established strong bonds with their mothers are attached and see their mothers as the center of the universe.

If the mother suddenly is gone bc of bootcamp/training, the child has no idea why---to them, all they know is Mommy is gone and they dont know when she's coming back, despite what everyone tells them. For all they know, in their perception it might be beacause of soemthing they did, or bc Mommy doesn't like/love them anymore. It's one thing for a fatehr to enroll assuming he's not their primary caretaker) it's another for the mom, the center of most children's universe at very young ages, to enlist and be gone for weeks on end.

I hear of women who are single or married (to me it's the same) and leave behind very young children. Those children are left to cope with feelings of abandonment and insecurity, probably which will be life-long since most of their early childhood they will stumble upon this with mom coming and going. I don't think they get "used to it" and I don't think the "perks" of the military are worth it. The recruiter told me he missed his daughter's first year of life, and that he doesn't regret it. I can't imagine a mom doing that.

I honestly wonder what is wrong with women who enlist when they have young children...I'm not talking about women who enlisted prior to having children and then became moms after I mean the ones who enlist after their children are born, knowing the likelihood of their child feeling abandoned. How can they justify this to themselves? how does any amount of money or job security or medical benefits really make up for this?

I know it's not for me bc I am a mother and my first priority is my child. Yeah I can see the temptation---job security in an economy like this is esp. tempting, the excitement/unpredictability, the traveling/seeing different places, the feeling of "belonging" the sense of purpose, the "hero" status, the social perks, the "togetherness" military ppl have with other military ppl, even the "coolness" associated with it in a way. But none of this would make up for the fact that somewhere across the country or world my child needs me, somehwere a child is needing their mother who made the deluded and selfish mistake of joining the military. I know I could not live with myself if something were to happen to my child and I was not there to help them bc I was in training or being deployed.

This isn't just a "it's not for me but other women can" type of statement...it IS that, but it's much more...it's me expressing my firm belief that mothers to young children should not sign up for the military (aside from army reserves). If they do, it is selfish of them and they are not thinking clearly of their child.

i am just expressing my opinion, and I am sorry if this offends anyone.

are there other moms or other ppl who tend to agree with me? Or does no one else see it as unnatural and awful that a mom would leave her kid for mons on end to serve the country?

I know the bond between my daughter and I is formed now, but I still don't like the idea of not seeing her for mons and her feeling abandoned. She still has separation anxiety and many young children do.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Yep, it is okay for daddy to go to war get shot up while mommy sets at home...............if mommy wants to go so be it let her.

AD · Answer

I once put in a woman who had the choice between using welfare to support her three kids or enlisting (the father couldn't enlist because he was a convicted felon, but that's another story).  She chose to enlist because she felt it would make her a better person in the long run.

The military isn't for everybody.  It may not be for you if you feel that you can't bear to be away from your child during deployments or training.  But fact of the matter is you have to pay the bills one way or another.  Your child may miss you at first but in a few years they will understand.

The Army decided that they will allow mothers of children enlist if they choose to do so and they are otherwise qualified (which you aren't due to not being married and having custody).  When you're not training you go home every night anyway unless deployed.

*alwayssmile* · Answer

I read the first paragraph. Then stopped after I saw you've written a novel. Gosh someone has time on her hands.

Do know that this isn't a newsflash. Most of us on here all ready knew that a single parent would have to give custody over of their child. Also, this same rule applies to single parent men as well. So they can join and it just the moms that can't or is it for all single parents? (no you don't have to answer that.)
Also, it's not awful of them if they are trying to make a career and better their life for themselves and their child. You most likely insulted a lot of those who are serving and have done this. Don't be so quick to judge or hate on those who have done this. Just because you don't want to join doesnt mean other mothers can't.

Anonymous · Answer

I think you are misinformed, there are tons of single parents in the military, they are either divorced or women who had a kid on their own without the benefit of the father. My kids are stable after being a single parent for ten years in the military. (I divorced their father). I have been on three deployments, what you don't understand is some women can get out when they are pregnant, but decide to stay in until they get deployed and then want to scream that they have no one to take care of their kids and the military is tired of wimpy women that do this!
As I said before, my daughter has three jobs and photography on the side, my son is in the AF. Well rounded children dear! And I went on three deployments.

Pandora · Answer

Ok, I have calmly answered all of your questions, and now I feel INSULTED by you.

You are a stupid B*TCH who got knocked uo by some retard who won't marry you, now you go insulting Women who PROUDLY SERVE the Military?

So, let me break it down to you, since you are to IGNORANT to figure this out. I joined when my son was 6 months. WHY??? Easy, his father (my ex-husband) beat the living **** out of me while I was pregnant. I joined the military to PROVIDE a LIFE for my son. (Selfish...I think not) Now, it will be 5 years of service for me, and my son has the following (which you can't provide):
1. PAID TUITION to his current PRIVATE SCHOOL for the next 4 years (yes, up till he is in 4th grade, he is paid for)
2. Full health insurance
3. College savings (out of my pocket) of 10,000
4. MORE college money from me (G.I. Bill)
5. A savings fund for his first car, so far 3,000
6. If I should die in combat, he is the SOLE recipient of 500,000. 
7. He now speaks more Korean than I do (because of being overseas)
8. He has friends ALL OVER THE WORLD
9. He is PROUD of his mommy, and knows that sometimes I have to go away to protect him, not because he did something wrong. 
10. He BRAGS and says things like "My mommy jumps out of airplanes, what does your mommy do?"
11. My son knows that I deploy because I LOVE HIM and that he "likes being free because he can say silly things"

I am selfish? You need to educate yourself more before you go insulting those who serve, LITTLE GIRL.

retired AF · Answer

sounds like someone is upset that single parents can't join the military.  i 100% support that policy, because i saw way too many people who would have a 'family plan' to get in place, but when the time came to deploy, their guardians were suddenly unable to care forthe child, then they'd USE their kids to not deploy.  the military nipped that one in the butt real fast.  Even people with professional college degrees that are 'single parents' cannot join the service.  that's just the way it is.

there are many 'mothers' who sign up for military service, but they are married and have another parent athome take care of their child when they are deployed.  I don't think they are being selfish at all.  they are taking care of their children and families, and since the military is 100% volunteer, they all chose that profession.  

i think your assumptions that the children will grow up "lost and confused" are way off base.  Of course they will miss "mommy", but they also miss "daddy" when deployed, but kids who are well-adjusted, and raised in a loving home understand.  not saying it is easy, it never is - but you make it sound like they will be a basketcase.  My kids grew up just fine when i was deployed.

i am sorry you couldn't get in.  the rules are the rules - sorry, that''s just the way it is.  but bashing the system, and getting angry about it, then going off on a rant on women who serve isn't going to change anything, and is REALLY INSULTING TO WOMEN.  you really smacked out on them, basically saying their place is in the home if they have small kids.  you left out the part about how they should be barefoot and pregnant, having a warm meal prepared when her man gets home, always looking nice for him, greating him with a kiss, and never complaining about your day as "he is the breadwinner".  I think your attitude is insulting toward the importance of fathers in their children's life.

i am sorry if THIS is insulting to you, but it does send the wrong message.  i don't see it as 'awful' or 'unnatural' that a woman would join the military anymore than a father who would do the same thing.  do you think it is OK for a FATHER to do it?  just ask yourself that.

you sell these kids short.  you say you have a bond with your daughter.  good for you.  so do most other parents with their kids - the vast majority of them.  but you already assume she will feel abandoned.  how do you KNOW that, really?  you going to be her 'best friend'?  psychologists would say that would be a mistake.  you are her PARENT, not her best friend.  your job is to give her the tools to survive in life and make the best decisions she can HERSELF.  what happens if you pass before her?  she'll have to handle that then  

you mentioned separation anxiety.  if she still suffers from that at 3 - then she is TOO CLOSE to you and you are soffocating her.  that is not normal and too say "many young children do" is all on context.  my children NEVER suffered from separation anxiety.  they knew mom and dad were coming back to get them.  let me ask you something, when your daughter fell, did you make a huge fuss, break into tears, and make a big deal of it?  or did you just laugh it off and say "that's ok sweetie"?  when you create a scene, or make a big deal of leaving her with a sitter, etc, you are conditioning her to react that way and give you that response.  co-dependency is NOT a good thing.

i understand what you are saying, i really do, and if you want to discuss it in a philosophical manner, drop me an email.  even though you aren't "too old" to join the army, you sound bitter that the policy is what it is and you may eventually blame your child someday for your inability to get in

conranger1 · Answer

You did not post a question just an excuse to rant.

Lt Col USAFR · Answer

Blah blah blah...your choice, don't join then.  If other moms do, then it is their choice and none of your business... BTW, what the heck is our question here?

Anonymous · Answer

I'm guessing there wasn't a question anywhere in your diatribe!

rasheed · Answer

yes they should not.

Trending News

I don't think moms of small children should join the military?

11 Answers