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? asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 9 years ago

does this poem sound alright to give to a girl?

i wanted to give it to my winter formal date for valentines day. mind its more of a story than a poem and its the first ive ever written and its not complete, imma finish it today.

Morning breaks, I get up slump,

And pack my recklessness to school.

I saunter through each class so low,

Caring less about my rule.

But when the bell rings loud ‘round ten,

My heart rings just the same.

It’s time again to see you, girl,

To re-ignite the flame.

‘Cause it’s your simple “What’s up, Matt”,

That really starts my day.

I hold on dearly to those first few words,

They never fade away.

Your gorgeous eyes, they mesmerize,

And grasp mine right on sight.

Enough to drive me wild, girl,

This quiet boy’s delight.

I love to hear about your day,

And how your life’s been going.

To know that cheer practice went great,

Can keep my smile growing.

Your smile brings life to my world,

And just shines up the skies.

I find it so amazing girl,

You’re so perfect in my eyes.

its not the greatest, but i think itd be alright

Update:

thanks for the helpful feedback. well idk what you mean by spontaneous and creative? i got the idea because my friend wrote his girl a poem before they became a couple and she liked it. also idk i thought it didnt really matter if it rhymed or not

Update 2:

and hmm i was thinking of using angel somewhere in there but im still writing it so yea

Update 3:

and yes contructive criticism is welcome. i dont want to give a dumb write haha,

4 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Speaking as a world weary alpha male, it's awful. Truly awful. But if I was a giggly teenage girl I'd probably think it was "lush". Don't stop writing my man. You'll get better.

  • Anonymous
    4 years ago

    i did not have my first kiss till i replaced into 17, so that you're faraway from being in the back of each body else. looking again on my courting life, i imagine quite the single element that holds human beings again from looking someone is lack of self belief and concern of rejection. i'd say to easily slowly construct up your nerve and ask a lady out that you want, and settle for it although if she says "no". try looking outside of your college (get inquisitive about some type of social pastime that incorporates human beings from many section faculties) in case you sense some women would say no in simple terms to stay away from the interest your courting would get from classmates. you'll locate love, in simple terms bypass available and verify out... you receives shot down some cases (all of us do), besides the undeniable fact that that's going to exercising consultation eventually.

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    No one likes a rhymer. Poetry is really Cliché. Honestly, I would scrap it if I were you and do something a little more spontaneous and creative.

    Source(s): I have several guy friends who have written poems to some of my female friends that were going after and they told me later that they found the idea of a guy writing a poem to be a bit creepy
  • Devonn
    9 years ago

    I like it but the end should be "your an earth angel in my eyes" instead of so perfect in my eyes

    Source(s): its really good though. Id mellttt if a guy gave me that poem.
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