Why do my parents treat us differently?

Question

So, me and my brother are both (young) adults. I'm 26, he's 28. Basically it goes like this...

Ever since my brother was little my parents have chosen to discipline us differently. We are both very different personality wise also. I have a very altruistic personality, married, support myself, pay rent and all the goodies, have a degree, and bought my own car.

 My brother on the other hand spent half in high school tagging on the bathroom walls, kicked out, went to the "bad" high school, kicked out of there, and finished at a continuation school. Spent the little money my parents saved up for our college funds and bought a truck, which my parents co-signed, didn't pay it off. They had to in order to avoid ruining their credit. I have never had such an opportunity, i got a car loan from the bank, co-signed with grandpa, paid off early. 

He has stolen many, many things from me personally. My whole CD collection when I was in high school, only about 35 or so. He even stole a pair of Nike Shox when they first came out. I spent 150$ bucks on new shoes only to have him loose one. so, i had a brand new shoe (1). he went into my room so many times that I put a deadbolt lock on my door, instead of a regular door knob, locking with a key or not. he would break in until i did that. It's like he had a need to break into my room and steal things. my parents just suggested to get a lock on my door, but not regulate on him. 

Now, the latest and the greatest is that my parents moved out, i moved out, so he's got a 3 bedroom 2 bath house all to himself. a mutual freind of ours moves in. he tells our freind that my parents want to charge him rent. on the down low, they agree to 200 a month. then about 6 months go by, and he raises it to 300, then 400 plus bills. which is a decent price. but he is not the landlord and kept my parents in the dark about the whole situation. i find out whats going on and spill the beans. so, he's lied, cheated, and stole a couple of thousand dollars.

my parents say they have talked to him and everything is taken care of. they will not kick him out. so, he gets the big house that he destroys (breaking things, toilet not working, shower needs to be turned on with a swiss army knife, no locking outside doors, and no carpet in my buddy's room) gets mad a our friend, and convinces my parents to charge my freind 100 for utilites, but my brother only pays for gas and electric. so, in essence, he will pocket the change. also, the same grandpa that helped me out has given him a honda accord, and toyota truck to get around. 

so I just want to know how come my parents let my brother do whatever he wants, even when it's deliberately evil over a lengthy period of time. the said they have their reasons and do not need to tell me. my thing is that how can you raise me to be such an upstanding citizen not to lie or even litter, and let him do all kinds of destructive, ill-natured, evil things?  it's almost as if they are just fine with it, don't care, accept that he's a bad guy and move on. meanwhile, he continues to be a jerk to everyone. 

if you don't know, can you at least point me in the direction of parental psychology. 

they tell me that me and my brother are worlds apart. but how does that translate into letting a grown man do all kinds of messed up things and kind of protect him?

Stoked · Accepted Answer

You seem to think your parents favour your brother because he get away with so much. Don’t be jealous, he is much worse off than you are, your parents did you a favour raising you right so you can be independent. Though it seems unfair that he doesn’t pay rent or have responsibilities – you are much better off, so don’t worry. Your parents treat you differently because you are different. I agree they are not doing him any favours, by pandering to him they are enabling him to be dependant and useless. Though they may have reasons you don’t understand, for example he may have a mental illness that or drug addiction that they don’t like to discuss or don’t know how to treat, something like schizophrenia or ADD, that has made normal development hard for him. Basically they feel he needs help, while you don’t, you will be fine and flourish, but they are worried your brother will become worse if they don’t look after him. As a parent, you will do anything to protect your children, and you will love them no matter what. It is not that they favour him, it’s just that they know he needs help and you don't. I’m sure your brother also feels jealous of you, having a life and future and he feels you’re the favourite child while he’s the screw up problem child. It not that they love him more, its just a case of the squeaky wheel gets all the oil.

Savannah · Answer

First of all, people are different. If you raised two kids the exact same way you would not get two of the same adults. Friends affect you, and jobs, and co-workers, not just family. You sound like you are a little proud, which you should be, it's awesome that you do all that for yourself. But remember to be humble, you didn't go through what he maybe went through. How can you judge someone until you have honestly walked a mile in their shoes? It sounds like you are jealous, you want to be treated the same way. Fact is, you don't need it. You are responsible and can take care of yourself. Get into his situation and you would be treated the same way by your family. But your family view you as an adult on a higher level and are probably more proud of you. Be happy with that, don't be upset because your brother is in a different situation and recieving different treatment. Good luck!

AR88 · Answer

Wow that's crazy, are you sure your not adopted? Jk.. Well I think your family has spoiled your bro way too much..at this point you guys are adults and you and him have separate lives so live your own and dont mind his. Its your family's decision to keep putting up with his behavior not yours. Don't do him any favors and any way support his lifestyle. Don't worry about him, he will get his. Everyone does. There will come a point when neither your parents or grandpa will be there to put up with his nonsense and life will give him the reality check he needs.

lolman · Answer

Its sort of like being an straight A student.
If you get straight As for your whole school life people will just accept it and consider it as normal. Same with D students. Your parents thought that your brother did something he would normally do and just slapped him in the wrist because they know he wont change. But your the straight A student that never gets congratulated because its just normal for you. Your parents have dirt low expectation for your brother. I feel sorry for you being overshadowed by your deadbeat brother.

bored · Answer

I know that if my brother stole anything of value from me (stole, not just "borrowed" for a bit without asking) there would be a serious physical confrontation. Either that, or I'd just report him to the police, and (if he's stolen enough) file in small claims. That being said, people don't regularly steal from me, nor I from them.

I'm a 24 yo male for reference.

Parents love their child no matter what. Just speak to them to ensure that everything is "fair" regarding the will, when it comes time to be involved with that. Make it clear to them that his behaviour is unacceptable. Tell them that he's taking advantage, and that's their business, but if he steals from you again you're going to the police.

And if he steals from you again, go to the police.

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Why do my parents treat us differently?

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