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An old kind-of poem that needs work? Please C/C?
Written a few years ago in the midst of the 'Big Freeze' winter.
This Winter snow came.
Thickly it flew, landing,
sweeping in silently
smothering England in
a blanket, a straight jacket.
Snow rushed in,
too fast to halt -
her feet firmly set under the laid table,
her body spread across the unmade bed,
and confidently announced her stay.
Slender lady
Beauitful woman
Dazzling us with her diamond display,
stunning us with her serenity,
anesthetising us with her agelessness
drugging her with brightness in the dark.
Snow rested seductively and the ice lay
with her too, underneath her.
The perfect couple, merging - sex between
Sexes.
One soft, inviting, easy,
the other: strong, composed, hard
and they tricked us all.
Layering our paths - lying down beneath us
but all the time, tracking us, tricking us
-keeping us.
They took many that winter. First our children,
then the weak, the old then all
and we became like them.
They stole us, though some
- though I
went willingly
sliding between their cold sheets
slipping into their glazed world,
kissing their ivory powdered faces and necks
for the promise of
crystallised calm, of powerlessness
numbness
such an easy, lovely
fresh death.
Alpha Giorgio ® - Thank you so much for taking the time to read. Yes that section in the middle is a bit forced, I wasn't sure whether to cut it. The stunning us, dazzling us etc. I think by 'anesthetising us with her agelessness' I mean numbing us with ageless beauty, unsettling because you can't tell how old the 'person' - she - is and that makes them hard to read. But yeah it probably is a bit abstract. I like the end of the poem best too. Thank you - yes do, add away :)
2 Answers
- Anonymous9 years agoFavorite Answer
Potentially, you are a very good writer. Energetically, though, you stumble sometimes.
"anesthetising us with her agelessness" is a wrong statement.
((( They stole us, though some
- though I
went willingly
sliding between their cold sheets
slipping into their glazed world,
kissing their ivory powdered faces and necks
for the promise of
crystallised calm, of powerlessness
numbness
such an easy, lovely
fresh death.)))
This was masterful! Can I add you?
(You impressed me through free verse.
Only a handful of people have managed that, in English.)
