How dysfunctional is this ?

Question

A very bad experience when a relationship went west has scarred a guy to the extent that he has never been able to fully commit to anyone since. As a consequence all relationships he has had since have been varying degrees of superficiality. This has manifest itself in an inability to either form any lasting relationships or remain faithful within a relationship. So he has flitted from one short term affair to another, unwilling to commit for fear of being hurt again. Along the way he gets conditioned to thinking of relationships as being like the first few months - i.e. 'the hurly burly of the chaise longue'. As soon as the sex side starts to ease up or there is a hint of possibly committing to something more long term, one of two things has happened. Either he has found a reason to terminate the relationship, or the woman in question has considered him shallow and moved on. 

Somewhere along the line he got married. The initial couple of years he managed to stay faithful, but thereafter reverted to type, having a succession of discreet affairs. As before, he finds it impossible to maintain any of these for any length of time. In fact he goes out of his way to find circumstances that will reduce the potential for them lasting vey long. The majority of his liaisons are with married women in their forties who have found the lustre has gone off their relationship with their partner. They will tend to live a reasonable distance away from him. He'll say that this is all about reduced risk of being seen together by people who might know either one of them, but in reality it provides the excuse for the relationship to founder because of the complexity of meeting up. The women concerned may initially enjoy the attention, but then feel guilty about their actions. One thing to bemoan the lack of attention they are getting from their partners, infidelity is a different matter. And then there's his wife, is she really as bad as he makes out ? So after a few meetings the shine goes off for both of them and he moves on to the next relationship. 

Is he a bad guy ? Does he feel bad about his actions ? Or does he try to create a moral sandcastle claiming that he is just misunderstood and that anyway, because he keeps everything so tightly controlled the chances of discovery are almost nil and ignorance is bliss.

Shikira · Accepted Answer

Hi,

Ignorance is bliss if the guy is happy to remain detached from a sincere experience with one single woman.  You will not be misunderstood by other men who also play the field - some do it for very different reasons however.  You will not be misunderstood by any sincere woman where there will be some kind of trust established between the two of you - if you are indeed speaking about yourself?

You have a very solid self-awareness given your writing skills and deep insight into the reasons why this guy cannot commit to something lasting or genuine: therefore this guy has a much greater chance at developing sincere relationships from those who have no interest in questioning their own moral integrity towards themselves and others.

Being married should mean being married, yet it can also mean different things to different people I guess.  People have consenting open marriages, marriages that keep children happy, marriages that are so pretentious, the people involved are in denial about it being this way.  The guy has to know what type of marriage he is in before he can know what he wants from it in the first place!

Left injured by mistrust can be repaired if you are determined enough to want that.  If living a lie to yourself and those you care about is easier, then the less likely the guy will want a meaningful and trusting relationship with his wife or with someone else entirely.  A relationship or marriage does not exist if it is less than part time and based upon strange erratic behaviours: the guy would be best living as a single man before losing complete self-perspective and integrity of himself and others.

Women get hurt just as much as men and why so many women also play their partners now: I have seen them do this in my past jobs and in friendly circles.  I am the total opposite and have never been married or in any relationship where I have cheated, yet I have been very badly hurt by life and by those who I have cared greatly.  Does not matter if either a man or woman is left hurt after being rejected by someone, it does matter though that they do not go on to hurt others as a direct result.

My personal belief about this guy, is that he is more than capable of not living the way he chooses to and to break that cycle of mistrust he has with other women, because he is aware of himself and what he feels.  Someone who doesn't have this same skill to question their own moral integrity is someone who is very unlikely to want anything sincere with anyone else.

? · Answer

Whether or not one feels bad about one's actions does not define dysfunction, but rather one's sense of morality.

Dysfunction refers to a failure to conform to the norm for what is good or right, thus by social norms, yes, this man's behaviour is abhorrent.

The real question to my mind is, does the man's behaviour result in personal fulfillment or emotional wellbeing?  Only one person can answer that.

An inability to trust ultimately reflects a disbelief in one's own worth.  It takes courage to trust, and healthy boundaries not to repeatedly choose unsuitable partners and become locked in a self-destructive cycle of behaviour.

celiodesousa · Answer

I guess you might refer about yourself...But that's irrelevant. I fit into your question anyway. I accept myself as it is. I do it because I like it. If past relationships didnt work its because I had this inclination deep in myself even though it wasnt evident or I wouldnt face it...or both!  Its a desire to not to committ  to anything personal or intimate. It feels like a prison and people soon becomes boring and too common.  But a lot of areas of my life is rock stable...my car, savings, clothes, friends, etc...but not women. The fact is: The grass is always greener over the fence... 
 I am not superficial  when I am with a woman: I only go out if she has what I need and want...and they like it! Moreover they are not stupid as some might pretend...they know whats going on! They sense it better than men.  Might play the victim later on but thats just faking...believe me!

One might say its fear of being intimate...they can be right. But nothing beats a hunt for some new women elsewhere... And I might add: A lot of women dont mind if you go "hunting" as long as you return home and treat them well.... And...women nowadays are not as saints as one might  think...they like exactly what we men like and DO !!!! Its, one might say, an addiction... but as long as your life  function well in other areas.. its safe! The thing is the guilt thing: if it bothers you that much, as it did with me for a time, stop it. Otherwise...enjoy it!! We are only human my dear friend.

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How dysfunctional is this ?

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