Is my poem good or not, could it be worthy of a prize or something to hang in the loo, or maybe a rap song?

You were lucky enough to get some very good feedback from the answerers. I know i learned something from them. But seeing as you asking for something to hang in the loo or a rapsong, that should do.

The rhymes are very general.

the idea is good, but because the rhymes are so general and out of the air, it is almost humorous.

I picture the crazy hairy man in a lonely dripping cell with a green lime in his hand, getting all excited about the little lime in his hand. Here I'll give you a poem that just.....it's what I see when i read your poem. (insane people actually have to think......odd thoughts.)

Chilly chilly night, chills all over my body

except my hands, my hands feel warm

Sweat drips into my eyes, making it hard to see

From head to toe, I feel tired and worn

Sleepless nights, wakeful days

If it were not for the company of my friend

I fear my mind would stray away

I talk to my friend, day out, day in

Hungry? I'm very hungry, but cannot eat

I lift my green lime for you to meet

For years, she has been my only company

The only that swears to my sanity.

Love,

Ann Brock P.S. (that is how I sign all my poetry) you see, you can never portray what you want to explain through words alone. Sometimes it takes a laugh, a cry, a visual image, an allegory, a symbol, anything different.

I like the physical sensations that you describe, but in writing, less is more. You should use more fragmentary sentences, like:

Chills. Fever. My knees keep wobbling

This thumping gets worse.

Only I can hear it.

Makes me sad

My hair stands on end, my skin is scathing to the touch.

This is bad.

This is too much.

Your descriptions are nice, and are powerful, but you gotta chop it up, make it READ as disoriented as YOU FEEL THE POEM SHOULD FEEL. If you just spell it all out, it sounds lame, like a medical chart or something. Not every sentence has to be fragmented or disjointes, just the ones that are physical sensations. As a reader, I'd like to FEEL what you're feeling in the poem, not hear a retelling of the story. I want to feel just as you did, not hear about it. Now, I'm not trying to talk down to you or anything, I'm just calling it like it is, as I feel. If you're going for a 'public piece', something you want other people to love, you gotta pull em in there with you, make you feel what you're feeling, not just tell them about it.

sounds like an excerpt from the page of a medical file written by the patient himself.. a creative patient. I wish you found a creative/poetic doctor who'd write out a prescription for you in poetry.

Very immature sounding.....Too much concern for the rhyme at the end of each sentence and not enough concern for the tone or the imagery.