I keep having this dream.?

Yeah, another one .

I make up 12 sticks of Anfo with turpentine and 12 silver fulminate caps. I tie them around my waist under an antique white linen diuster. I ride my bicycle to the East Monument near closing. I show the toll booth guard my "goods" and ask her to give mer her radio (why is it always a She?), and lie on the floor. , I am crying and constantly rtll her I don't want to hurt her. She says " Then, whats the Powder for?" I can't argue with her logic....

I tie her up, taking her H/T with me and disabling her base unit. I bicycle way off into the monument, way off the trail. I thave a radio with earphone and a bottle of 21 Year Old Scotch. Exactly at midnight, the cusp of toaday and tomorrow, under the stars, I touch off a fuse with a cheap stogie. I count the 15 secounds out loud until I am blown to bits. My last thoughts are of my pets and how I hope my body isn't found for weeks, but there are so many turkey buzzards...

I think constantly also of how much KCl in solution it would take to kill me. And, buy helium balloons to stick my head in. My revolver has one shot in it. My will is filed.(although my sister wants more than I bequeathed!) I keep playing "Rock and Roll Heaven" and "Suicide is painless" on YouTtube.

Could the stress of my upcoming trial bring on these fantasies of cheating the system with suicide?