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Chapter 1 What the!?                           







“Ah!” The people scream. “Help!” Says some merman as he gets caught in a swirl of the water. A mermaid with her child crushed by the city wall and I just stood there. “Come Princess thy must flee” Said my youngest servant. I followed, staring, wanting to cry, and holding it in for my younger sister. Exactly how would you handle your city being attacked only for your necklace that held a special family air loom . . . a pearl? I thought. “Milly time to get up” My step mom said opening the curtains. “Hey mom I had that dream again” I told her while getting out of my bed. I put on my tang top, my dark blue jeans, my socks and shoes, and put my brown hair in a pony tail braid that goes down to my butt. “Oh really what was that your twelfth time” “No it was my . . .” I said as I counted how many times I had that horrible dream “thirteenth time” “Oh no” she said with sarcasm and a fake accent “that’s the most unlucky number there is” I went down stairs to the hall with my dog Jessie sleeping next to the front door. “What day is it” I asked my step mom. “It’s Friday the thirteenth” she said. “Another thirteen” I mumbled to myself. “Time for school big sis lets go I want breakfast lets go” my little step brother said. See I was adopted by Mr. and Mrs. Jones. Mrs. Jones died. Mr. Jones married my step mom a year later, which had a six year old son at the time. Now he was ten and I was sixteen. “Hey mom I’m going to take the truck” I yelled. “Ok but return it in one piece this time. I don’t want to take another trip to the auto shop” “Ya I don’t want to lose my allowance for a month ether” Me and my little sister went out the door. We got in the blue truck. “Step on it!” Stella, my sister, said. “Ya ya we will get there when we get there” Five minutes later we got to two big buildings one had red bricks and the other had orange. The red one was the high school and middle school. The orange was elementary or pre-k through 6th.   And the other 7th-12th

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

It's not bad but it's obvious an inexperienced writer has written it, and I'm guessing you 14 and likely younger and it does show. How to make it better:

You need to add in Paragraphs to make it more digestible for the reader.
Correct Grammar - this is not my strong point either but on my manuscripts I use an editing and grammar guide.
Speech should be on a new line.
I didn't like the old English in the dialogue but that's just me. Your dialogue could be cut down as there's a lot of useless words and phrases in there. It's good you've tried to get the Information across with writing it as a huge chunk but still a little to much and too rushed.
Instead of using mumbled, screamed, just use said and asked. Also if someone screams or shouts something just use an ! mark as it does the same thing.
Your opening line wasn't much of a hook and your first paragraph was a muddle and even to the end I wasn't 100 % sure what was going on. It wasn't very clear or detailed.
You tell and don't show - this makes your work detached and emotionless and passive. Learn how to show as much as possible as this improves the quality of your work and ups the word count so all good! It also helps you get more involved with your character.
Telling: A man on the phone - 
"I wont do it!" *he shouted angrily.* Not only do I not need the 'he shouted' but I told you he was angry.
Showing:
"I wont do it!" he slammed down the Receiver and throw the phone across the room...It's not greatly written but you get the idea that the character is doing something and it's more engaging.
I personally didn't like your premise but then I'm an adult and it wouldn't appeal to me. 
Okay so I'm guessing their mermaids? Yet they have common land names, it would be far more effective if they had different names, something more unique. Most of the time it just sounded like normal people and I had to remember they were in water. If I'm in corrected then you haven't explained it properly.
Very little detail was was happening exactly wasn't always clear and your description wasn't that good, very passive and not really engaging.

I hope this helps and gives you some ideas on how to improve.
Admittedly I've read better but this was fine if you just edited and improved it.

Good Luck

Bookworm · Answer

“Ah!” The people scream. “Help!” Says some merman as he gets caught in a swirl of the water.
This is worded incorrectly, 

   "Ah!" the merpeople screamed as a merman screamed for help. He was caught in a whirlpool and was being tossed carelessly around. 
 
Other than that the beggining is a little cliche, she has a dream then wakes up. Instead you could be thinking about the dream when she is doing something in real life. You need to work on your grammar. Other than that, it sounds like a good start. Make sure this part isn't your whole entire 1 chapter. It needs to be longer than this.

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is this story good i really need to know?

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