Which way do you prefer the poem?

Question

I tried to write a poem without rhyming, then about halfway through I thought it might be interesting to rewrite it with a half rhyme, so please let me know what you think.  I don't care if the comments are positive or negative, but I do ask that you add some sort of criticism please.

So cold, I feel life slipping
Draining from my very soul
A deep and slow and chilling death
That steals the warmth I feel from life.
The darkness comes before the killing
And steals my light from open eyes.


ok so now with a half rhyme (I know it isn't done)

So cold, I feel life slipping
Draining from my very soul
And although I had gone in willing
This death begins to take its toll.
The darkness takes away my eyes
As death begins to fill my veins
A terrible death it is to die
And lose it all til naught remains

Liana · Accepted Answer

The first one to me feels more of a sappy sad poem.
I like the second one better because it filled with sensory, and it makes you feel the poem more. 
How about mixing them like this? (I changed some parts along with the combining, but it doesn't rhyme)

So cold, I feel life slipping
Draining from my very soul
And although I had gone in willing
The cold stole the warmth from my life.
The darkness comes before the killing
As death begins to fill my veins,
Steals the light from open eyes
And All that's left is darkness

I did my best to revise that, but I love the second poem. The second one, it made my heart stop for a second, so much feeling.

Anonymous · Answer

My soul's gripped by Death's beginning  
The darkness takes away my eyes
Though I'd have left this mess in willing
One piece of me feels Life's so nice

? · Answer

Two L's in "till" otherwise, it's really good.

? · Answer

the 2nd poem is better

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Which way do you prefer the poem?

4 Answers