Prose poem (a first attempt). Was it worth the effort?

It's always good to attempt new styles of writing BF and this worked for me. I enjoyed the internal rhyme. Ephemeral solidifies and lead's as light as air, while water weaves its weary way uphill. That is scary stuff. A real nightmare when everything is turned completely upside down and yet appears so real. Good stuff.

Well written, BF and worth the effort.

I would experiment with the form you present

the piece in. With long, uniform sentences,

You're missing opportunities for tension points

and a build-up of suspense.

There are many ways you could go:

Before the night must die,

Before the birth of sky,

I'll gather up a head of steam to thrash through actions

of forgotten yesterdays.

Hear this revving engine whine,

A locomotive on the Midnight Line.

See the flashing flames lick past

That seem akin to thoughts intwined.

The pressure builds, the rivets strain

I fear I'll lose my mind.

Often, thinking of the negative, unused space can be

as pivotal as the space you fill.

Blue Feather

To me this is a very worthy and interesting piece that held me captive ab ovo to conclusion.

Content wise it's outstanding, deep and introspective. If I had any criticism of words used I think many might now know what Ephemeral means and seems out of place. I use a Glossary though I get flogged by some for that. If you use a word like that I would use more to balance your efforts, in not would have used short lived or transient. No big deal though.

On the structure, on free verse, I would space it and re-work the sentences and condense it into three paragraphs, but again, a minor detail that just might invite more aesthetics.

Is difficult to critique much negative on this one imo, is so good.

Congrats!

Most `yes` definitely;

I can relate so closely to this

but less gently and in truth,

I read it as a poem of redemption, if through layers,

and hail it as a triumph of trust.

I would place a sentence on a line but-

I am not thee.

It`s literary merit`s also near-impeccable :)

x

9.3 / 10 .:)

Mornin Blue Feather, Yes it was worth the effort and blended in was just enough internal rhyme as well as a tale told, albeit the story could be considered dark. I think this is a job well presented

I am shocked to see we are in the same mindset only you have shown polished gleaming effort where mine is tarnished and dull. I too see reality in quite a different way. O Soul, O Soul Of Mine- I find this so so beautiful as you also are.

I like this poem Bf. it has some really memorable lines and the same for the theme. Yes good lines , i like them.

Ah! Skill, skill. Your prose is treading toward poetry! I admire your rhyming and I could never manage this. Not only assonance but consonance too!

I don't know if it's prose, or something else, but it works ok. I thought maybe it should be 'ephemera' instead of ephemeral, but I don't know. (cuz I'm ignorant.)

Playing with all the poetic tricks here I see.lol An easy read but please protect yourself from those heavy cotton balls falling!