Would you care to offer comment/critique on this second poem in a series?

Question

"Journeying to Truth
Part the Second"

Get back from here, you spirit sprite,
my hands are metal, see.
There's nothing left of beauty here,
just stale hypocrisy.

I am a slave unto this road,
I cannot leave it for
I'm cursed to neither sing nor speak
'til heart is flesh once more.

"The stone still beats," my stranger said,
"it pounds blood through your veins.
Tear it all out with tongue and quill
then tell me what remains.

As for your metal hands, my dear,
consider that a gift,
for words are weapons, pens are swords,
both sharp and hard to lift.

I leave you now to your own ways,
get out of borrowed time!
Or else the gods will name you as
a predecessor's mime.

Stop staring now, you silly goose,
you've yet to drink your fill.
Take out those steely hands of yours,
take up my bladed quill."

It left; I was alone again,
an inkwell in my grip,
so in the silence, open heart,
let tears and poems slip.





Part 1 - http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ai.GNiEM3xCQsHU7VFyM.QXsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20120531142836AAuEPMf

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

O wow! wow wow wow!
I am so thrilled to read one of your series again. You are so gifted at narrative. These is absolutely wonderful.
Cannot wait for the third.

Caz :) x · Answer

You write very well, a lot of poems we read just consist of poetry,  sometimes it's something in the poem that I;m convinced  the readers on Yap are analyzing as there own sensations .
There's something else in the poem , which they like better than poetry.

Great write ..

I held a pen in my hand 
to make myself a stick 
I hit out, in know uncertain terms 
and stripped it of it's ink. 
sweet hurt , I cried 'Oh , to write again' 
Give me ink , and I will give you hurt .  :)  just thinking ;)

? · Answer

Spellbound from the Title to "tears and po-ems slip.' It was a perfect ending and your crafting of this was so good that the word poems presented itself as po-ems without my even having to think about it...that is highly significant and I cannot seem to explain why correctly so I will just trust this intuition that you will 'pick up what I'm puttin' down'.

? · Answer

I've never read a poem from you before, I feel bless
to have read this and part one, a deep spiritual poem
to find a sanctuary in silence and find its world is full
everything you are is there
all you have to do is find it
and with this poem you found it

Anonymous · Answer

yes yes!!
we are happy to have you sharing here with us again!
and - I - I am holding back on my project 
when I get a bit more advanced into it - then there will be time enough to share!!

I likey!

the cheese whisperer · Answer

There are still hearts beating in YAP--you've proven it.

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Would you care to offer comment/critique on this second poem in a series?

6 Answers