When to tell kids we are getting married?

Question

We are in our 50s' with 6 grown adult children. He popped the question last week.  My Mom was in town and he wanted her there so we haven't told anyone else yet. We've been together for 3 years.  The problem is he has been going thru a very dramatic divorce that started over a year before I met him. The divorce will be final in a few days. I didn't want an engagement ring so he got me a different type of ring which I wear.

There has been alot of anger and hurt feelings with his kids and ex over the divorce.  For a long time they wouldn't speak to us. Now that seems to be in the past and they invite themselves over and are welcome at any time now.  Seems like we (kids)all get along well.  There has never been an issue with my kids.

Out of respect and common courtesy I don't know when we should tell people. We plan to marry soon (eloping) and I feel it is only correct for him to tell his kids we are getting married  before they hear it through the grapevine. What is the appropiate time frame here to make as free of drama as possible.  However we do it with his kids there will be some drama.   Obviously next week after the hearing is not right! Also anyone have any ideas to tell them? I thought of inviting all the kids that live here for dinner and telling them then.  But when? I want to tell my kids and sisters now but won't until we decide to tell everyone.

? · Accepted Answer

Good on you for treating all the family with such courtesy. If everybody did that the world would be a happier place.
I think you're right, sounds like however you announce this, there are going to be some who aren't happy about it. 
One thing I've learned is that all you can do is your best, and those who have a problem with it, well, it's their problem. If they want to cause trouble, at least you know you've done what you should have done.
As grown adults, you do whatever makes you comfortable and happy. It should be a joyous time for both of you, and if they don't want to "come to the party" as it were, then just party with the ones who aren't too selfish to be happy for the people they supposedly love!

I think a dinner is a good idea. Like you say, not too soon after the divorce thing. But not too long, either. Give it a month or two. Maybe have a little party or get-together. Be prepared for the spoil-sports to chuck a tanty, if they're like that, and then just calmly say you're sorry they feel that way, and walk away. 
Or you could just send an engagement party invite and give the spoil-sports a chance to stay away and not ruin your fun!

Hope it all works well for you.

? · Answer

Honestly from my perspective as a 47 year old guy I'd have to say I'd give it a half a year.  The best thing about that is that you won't miss any benefits from what you have now less insurance and such and give the people in your life time to cool off.

Anonymous · Answer

you could pick any day when all the kids are free and have like a cook out celebration and not tell them what you are celebrating. Then while everyone is eating you could ask them how they would feel about you getting married. then when they answer just tell them.
or you can talk to them one by one in private and tell them.

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When to tell kids we are getting married?

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