How does the beginning of my first chapter sound... nervous of your answers?

Don't be afraid to post online. Everything helps.

This is better than most pieces on here, but I have a few comments:

- You have a tendency to abuse the comma. Many of the sentences you presented involved appositives or lists. It's the appositives that really jarred the flow, though.

Put it this way: a comma is a break, right? Imagine that general reading is like driving a car, and commas happen when you tap the brakes (oh, homophones!) - so if you use too many too often, you get a lurchy and uncomfortable ride.

Wow. That comment turned out way longer than it needed to be. Which, funnily enough, leads me to:

- Lots of words, but not much action. What you wrote could be summarised much more effectively in perhaps a paragraph or two. Sentences like "I feared I was trapped here, forever" (by the way, just to go ahead and resort back to my last point/confuse the heck out of you, the comma in THAT sentence isn't needed) really add nothing to the plot: the reader can assume as much.

- A few missing hyphens in words like "already drowsy". You're tying those words together, so you need to make it read like "already-drowsy".

- A few too many hyphens in other instances: specifically, "cage-like-cell", in which the second hyphen is too much. The cell is like a cage, so cage-like are tied together. Cage-like makes sense. Like-cell doesn't make sense, so you get rid of it.

- Why is "detained" in quotes? That crossed my mind while I was reading.

- "Paced" probably isn't the right word, as it means walking. You just gave us a lot of writing about how your character is shackled, and then say he/she is walking. It's like if I said, "My canary absolutely cannot fly. Not at all. His wings are clipped. He is trapped in the cage forever. He is mine to control. One day, he flew away."

(Also, in that example, see how I just went into waaaay too much detail about the canary being trapped? You didn't care, as a reader. You don't give a damn about my metaphorical canary. Likewise, the reader doesn't really want to hear so much about your character being trapped - "on with the story!" they cry.)

- "Incase" isn't a word. Typo?

Overall, very good - just a few things that need attention.

@First answerer: Wow! O_O

very descriptive. I always have a problem with good descriptions. I have situation down because I have had extreme ones, but you have colorful wording down and I envy that. If you end up reading my question about mine, please give me some advice on that part of it? Also I can tell it isn't about sex but cant tell what exactly it IS about. Maybe being held captive, really, or metaphorically? I do like it. Sure it needs work, but so does every word I have ever written as well, so do not take that negatively! I think it shows promise. I would read something written in that way its very difficult to explain what a paragraph is lead up to and about on answers, of course. I understand you couldn't explain and had to just post partial information. that's alright. Mine is like that too, frustrating! I wish I knew the whole story/

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