Bridget is a special young Lady. Would you take a moment and review her Life?

I am sure she thought of the time machine LOL

I think it shows the pains of growing up - to relaize that decisions have consequences.

Yep, one can spend college in bars and smoking cigs or studying.

It is the student's choice.

Life worth living is not for free - it takes courage, it takes focus, it takes being grownup.

So I think the moral of this is real good.

===

I am almost evangelical (ha) on suggesting "Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens" as a roadmap on how to live a life. I can only suggest no booze or cigs and living healthy and studying to be better off in the future.

Worthy effort, Thomas.

From the get-go, I feel readers are somewhat

bias, when it comes to personalized

poems about a particularly named individual.

I would present this poem in more generalized form,

and not focus in on one person.

At the end, you could dedicate it to an individual.

The glossary is like an anchor, preventing

forward momentum.

Glossaries have a bad connotation to many

readers on the forum, due to deep seated

resentment of past events.

The elements of a good poem are structured here,

but message and emotions are somewhat fragmented

Your beat count per line is off.

The Stanzas don't meld into each other and need to

be more interconnected.

Your accented syllables stumble, halting a smooth flow.

There are some questionable rhymes.

I believe you could condense this down by a third

of it's length, work on your meter and eliminate

the need for a glossary.

I feel this is a promising poem in progress.

You need to build toward a "core" theme.

I'll always give you my honest opinion, Bri.

This is not a bad poem.

I just feel it hasn't yet reached the level of your.

ability and standards.

I've found this happens with me, when

I'm too emotionally involved in my topic

or work with another writer's work.

YF

Gene

Nice poem Bri, and I agree with firecat's comment.

However, I would find it interesting to read the poem "Bridget" originally wrote before your edits and incorporating yourself into her poem.

Knowing you as well as I do, I see similarity of a personal struggle you have here, and with what your friend "Bridget" struggles with in her own life.

This all comes down to me so long as I’m alive

Is there One to substitute my guilt and shrive

My identity, here or there, is my responsibility

If this life is worth living it comes not for free.

Higher learning is like a fleeting moment

Compared to a prisoner of birth to foment

this pair of lines is perfect

in a group environment its easy to feel nearly invincible and get lost in the feeling of anonymity, which opens the doors to all manner of temptation, and maybe thats what shame is for. to resist. the next time around. very intelligent ending though that whether anonymous or not one still has a reputation anyway thats what i got from your poem, good wishes for your friend.

with all respect to friends who may say otherwise, i particularly like the verbosity in poems. its art, some people like simplicity and some intricacy, and if you help people expand their vocabulary by a single word, you have done something worth doing.

More and more, I`m convinced that

`The Twelve Steps`ought to be taught as

part of the School Curriculum..(modified to address harmful behaviours)

rather than all of the different religions, IMHO, only

because it develops conscience to oneself and toward others

in a way a lot of religions don`t, as yet.

I think the poem distastefully lavishly over-eggs the pudding

in terms of phraseology, it`s weird for the topic and unreal - IMHO -

but the message is a sobering one

so if you are mentoring people, what`s to say

but `ATB!`...?.

I love the way you incorporated yourself into her poem while still leaving her persona in it.

I think it is very gallant of you to post the young lady's poem. There is merit here - the content is good.

I do have to say that I would love for her to write another version using free verse. I am sure you could introduce that.

It'd be great for those with immense vocabularies. I had to keep stopping to check the definitions of the words I didn't know.

If you need a glossary to explain your writing, there's something inherently wrong with this.

"Do they speak English in What?" -Jules Winnfield

.. I love true grit

Please take this suggestion only if it helps

Once I was... something, now I am roaming

Change logistics of today- end it in gloaming

Here and there, tell me “what does it matter?”

Enticed and diced, interchanged on platter