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opinions on Fantasy story intro?

What do you think of the intro to my fantasy story :)

All was calm at 232 Sunnybrook Way. The moon peaked behind a cloud that sat stag in the sky. Moon light gleamed through the window mixing into the surrounding candlelight providing as the only source of illumination. The small girl lie in her Oakwood, canopy bed wide-eyed and filled with wonder as her papa read from the large green book. The cover of the book, much like its contents was inexplicably magnificent. Nearly a hundred and thirty years old, the book sat as if a hand had never lain upon it. It was forest green and rather large with a beige picture of a man holding a torch, as two children followed behind him gazing back at something mysteriously. Just above the picture was the title etched across the cover in a shade of gold written in storybook font. At the bottom of the cover just below the picture lay what appear to be wings or feathers. All this was contained within a gold border and just beyond that at each outer corner of the book was what looked to be some kind of peacock, Chinese fan design. The spine was as intriguing as the rest of the book with more gold writing engulfed in a tapestry of green. Another caption had been drawn on the spine depicting two travelers standing in front of an opening. Much like the first, one traveler bore a torch in his hand standing proud in resemblance to the statue of liberty. Under that sat a diamond design drawn in black. The title was written across the top and beneath that, the name Jules Verne.

Her papa read from the book with such emotion that brought the words to life and pulled the listener into its pages, disconnecting anyone who dared to listen from reality itself. He spoke of dinosaurs, wanderers and an underground ocean. A wondrous world of which few have ever traveled. Each word leapt off the page at young Clarabelle and left her mind open to all sorts of marvellous visions. Finally, Clarabelle lay still with dreams of secret worlds and unknown places circulating through her unconscious mind as her father disappeared into the depths of the night.

Update:

Thanks; and yes the details of the book are of great importance for reasons that will be discovered further on in the story.

3 Answers

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  • 9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    So far, it has been brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!

    The unnecessary details of the book are amazing

    Some people don't understand the details are very important. Very important.

    But you are not one of those people

    Just by what you have written so far, I am captivated!

    So far, this is much better than I expected from someone posting on Yahoo

  • 9 years ago

    It's quite decent, but it needs some editing for grammar, usage and wordiness. Here's one example:

    Instead of "Her papa read from the book with such emotion that brought the words to life and pulled the listener into its pages,..."

    it should read

    "Her papa read from the book with such emotion that the words were brought to life and pulled the listener into its pages,"

    And instead of "disconnecting anyone who dared to listen from reality itself."

    it should read

    disconnecting from reality itself anyone who dared to listen.

    There are few problems like that, but not a terrible amount.

  • ferree
    Lv 4
    5 years ago

    This has tremendous capability, yet as a reader i have self belief it truly is repeating that there is not some thing and he's operating completely too many situations. I understand that he's attempting to flee his thoughts of imminent doom. i'm getting pissed off studying about it for see you later. i ought to in all likelihood bypass this e book up interior the save. per chance you could attempt to take out the repitition and locate more beneficial to complicated on, as in ..."The not in any respect ending feeling of dread, pity, and loneliness observed him in the course of the wayward international he replaced into in. there replaced into not some thing he ought to do yet run. those thoughts ought to continually take position right into a sparkling, empty type chasing him down the blackened streets. no one to assist him, he himself replaced into the purely salvation to renounce the enveloping insanity in his ideas, hoping each thing will in basic terms supply up in position." ... i ought to imagine your personality is fed on with some thing. i'm previous due for artwork.... yet i am hoping you get the perception.

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