I'm having a hard time supporting my dad's wish to continue with the chemo...how do I get over this?

He is the one going through the agony and willing to continue with agony for an 11% chance.

I know that when I was experiencing my mother's death, I was so stressed out, I was nutty. I worried all the time. I also wondered why she continued to do things that prolonged her life.. and what I saw as her misery. I asked her, What gives you the will to live when your quality of life is so low. My mom answered, "I want to see what happens next" (referring to world events.. she loved that) Anyway, I think that one reason that I had trouble with her choice was because my stress level was off the chart a lot of the time. I wish I had been able to relax and go with the flow.

He is an adult, he is in possession of the facts, and he has made his decision. You HAVE to respect it.

Presumably he hopes he will be in that 11%, and is willing to take that chance. He also probably knows that, contrary to your belief, dying of lung cancer in no way resembles 'easily fading away'.

Nobody knows how they will act in such a situation until they're in it. I always thought I would refuse chemo if I ever I had cancer. When it came to it, I had chemo - after establishing that the percentage by which it would increase my potential survival was not insignificant.

I now THINK that in your father's situation - where that percentage was small - I would refuse treatment. But who knows? I've had to face the fact that I might not survive - bad enough. I haven't looked inevitable death in the face as he is doing.

You have no choice but to respect his choice, understand it or not.

I don't mean to sound harsh; I know how hard this must be.

You have been given very good answers already. And I think you understand and know, that it has to be his decision.

But you might also find it helpful to understand the concept of palliative chemotherapy. In the palliative setting the purpose is relief of symptoms. For instance pain may be reduced by shrinking of the tumour.

As long as the benefits of the chemotherapy outweighs the side effects, things are as they should be. The oncologists I work with do not offer chemotherapy to patients who will - as you put it - " have another 2 months of misery rather than 1 month of easily fading away". Spreedog has explained on numerous occasions, that this was how he practised oncology too.

So my advice to you is to try and accept that even though chemotherapy will not cure him, this may still be the most gentle option for him.

First off, it's not about you.

He asked you to be his POA because he felt he could trust you to follow HIS wishes when he was not capable to do so. What if you didn't want the heroic actions to save your life and people kept giving them to you? Well, he's in the opposite boat and needs a champion: he picked you. That's what you signed up for, whether you agree with it or not, you are ethically obligated to see him through as HE would have it.

Right now, he is showing you his desires - he wants to keep up the fight. While he is still capable of speaking, I would suggest you have talk about things he might not have thought about: would he want to be on a ventilator? Would he accept that if he were unconscious and not expected to wake? How does he want his pain management to be administered? etc.

These forms might give you some ideas for a discussion.

http://www.caringinfo.org/i4a/pages/index.cfm?page...

Take care of yourself....

This might seem a bit warped now, but try to remember, this is an act of love: he understands.

First, talk to him in a clear and kind manner. Tell him everything and if his success rate is low like you mentioned, discuss other options. Make sure he has a will and all financial paper work in order, this may be an issue bothering him, I am just guessing here. If you medical power of attorney, decide again with him the best path. If he does not agree, request medical power of attorney, sounds bad, but sounds like only road. So, first check financial issues, second double-check medical level of your father and third become a medical Power of attorney or a DNR. Remember talk to your father and medical doctors and hospital/clinics.

I agree with you. My husband also had stage iv cancer and went through agonizing chemo. They kept telling us it could help him with a better quality of life. Like heck it did. He died at 51. If I knew then what I know now I would never let them do that to him.

He might have 'accepted' that he is dying, but, like many of us, he does not want to die and he is scared of dying.

What he has is better to him than giving up and going into the great unknown.

None of us know how we would react is a similar situation.

Poor man, all you can do is support him as best you can.

He's an adult; he can continue any treatment he wants for as long as he and his oncologist deem appropriate. You've been obsessing over his pending death and will for months now...Let the poor man live and die how he wants..