What do you think of these funny/generalised 'Evil Horoscopes' - [Creativity question]?

Question

https://sites.google.com/site/brandispohn/evilhoroscopes

BQ0: What is your sign and does your horoscope sound like you or not?
BQ1: Guess the sun sign of the person who you think wrote the evil horoscopes? (because they seem to be biased in a way lol)

BQ2:  [OPTIONAL] Test your creativity and persuasiveness! Imagine yourself as the defense  attorney putting together a winning case to save your 'evil' client. 

Pick ONE OR TWO signs to be your clients

Aries – Charges: Drunken hooligan behaviour, public nudity. and physical assault at a Soccer match. Aries became intoxicated at the match and decided to streak at a televised match. Aries spear tackled an Umpire and kicked a player in the balls after being pushed over by the victim. Aries claims to have been so intoxicated that they blacked out, and does not remember being in control or the incident at all.

Taurus – Charges: Alleged assault, assault involving a weapon, and 7 counts of theft. This Taurus had been just released from jail again when they allegedly pushed their Mother down stairs, and they stole personal photographs from the homes of several victims at knifepoint. Taurus had a difficult upbringing with a sadistic Mother.

Gemini – Charges: Manslaughter, and 14 counts impersonating an officer and a doctor. This Gemini is an aggressive serial impersonator and has been frequently been caught impersonating authorities at the scenes of emergencies. One emergency resulted in the death of a patient. A psychiatric assessment has been undertaken. Results were inconclusive.

Cancer – Charges: Fraud relating to a Ponzi scheme that stripped 28 victims, many of them personal friends, of $54 and 15 cents. The Cancerian also caused disturbances at the homes of three of the victims. After tearfully harassing the victims they and had to be removed from the premises kicking and screaming each time. They expressed extreme remorse for their actions.

Leo – Charges: 2 counts grand larceny and aggravated assault. The Leo stole 2.5 million dollars in jewellery specifically diamonds from the homes of their acquaintances.  This Leo doesn’t just think of themselves as just a Cat burglar but a real cat. They bit, scratched and hissed at two of their victims resulting in grievance bodily harm.

Virgo – Charges: 29 counts of stalking. The Virgo tapped the phone and intercepted mail of their victim, and was caught outside their home revving up their engine as a scare tactics. The paranoid completely Virgo believes that that their victim stalking them and threatened their life and the lives of their family.

Libra –Charges: fraud, embezzlement and larceny. This Libra is a police officer charged with the alleged larceny of $130,320, fraudulently converting $10,320 and embezzling $3,032 and $5,864. The Police Officer claimed that he was taking money out of the pockets of drug dealers and gave back to the poor.  He has under extreme stress and didn’t know why he did what he did.

Scorpio – Charges: 13 counts of alleged murder in the 1st degree. The Scorpio is accused of being a notorious and dangerous serial killer. However there is little evidence linking them to the actual crimes except that the Scorpio has all the characteristics of the serial killer. They also had a sex dungeon in their basement where an unidentifiable blood sample was found.

Sagittarius – Charge: Fraud and manslaughter. The Sag created a scam religion. The followers we made to surrender all of their assets and follow harmful and reckless teachings that resulted in the deaths of 34 followers. The Sag showed no remorse for the deaths, they believe in their teachings but admitted to creating the religion to make money.

Capricorn – Charged with harassment and threats. This Capricorn was involved in neighbour warfare. A complaint was made that this Capricorn was continually hollering “Get a Job” and “Cut your hair. You hippie!” at the accuser.  The Capricorn also taunted the young child of the accuser and threatened to kick their dog. The Capricorn shows no remorse and has made counter claims against the neighbours.

Aquarius – Charges: abusive neglect and neglecting duty of care. This nursing home carer allegedly neglected to properly monitor the whereabouts of the senile tenants in their care. The mischievous rat pack of oldies stole a bus and where caught speeding down a highway in the wrong direction. The patients claimed that the Aqua was a cold hearted tyrant and they were trying to escape.

Pisces – Charges: exhibitionism, nudity in public. This delusional loner believed that flashing would cure their victims of their ailments. They were caught on more that one occasion flashing their genitalia to joggers in public parks. The Pisces was extremely apologetic when caught be police on the first occasion but was caught several times after. They are considered to be a chronic offender.

*This is just for fun. Sun signs aren't the sum of your whole personality.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Hahaha you and all these evil questions!
Are you planning on joining the dark side or something?

HIIIII BREEEE.:D

Sorry, I'll type up an answer to this in a bit I swear it (I'm a tad lazy right now). I just wanted to say hi.:p

Edit: Awwwesome, I love your answers!:D 
haha I'll start writing my answer soon, right after I finish doing something else.

Edit2:
I think they're, well you said it: funny and generalizing. 
Some of it does ring true to the people I know though.XD According to this I know way too many evil people.:p

BQ0: What is your sign and does your horoscope sound like you or not?
In some ways yes, I'm definitely geeky though. 
BQ1: Guess the sun sign of the person who you think wrote the evil horoscopes? (because they seem to be biased in a way lol)
Probably a pisces (either that or they like a pisces) because that one wasn't really bad at all. They even countered that pushover statement with the 'playing the cards right' and 'legendary antennae' (w/e that means) ones. Plus I think “Nasty bad little Einsteins” is a compliment. 
BQ2: I’ll do the Virgo.:D And if you don’t mind I want to do it from the perspective of an “evil pisces” (with the characteristics described in the link). So it’s a joke-persuasion.

I may do another one tomorrow but it’s really late so I need to go to bed.

I forgot all of the law terms and stuff so this is going to be unrealistic/wrong and informal:

Me: My client claims that Jane Doe was stalking them. Jane Doe claims that my client was the one stalking them. My client has been caught stalking Jane Doe but really it depends upon how you look at it. You see Einstein's theory of relativity suggests that, although my client was the one who showed up at their house, you could also say that lady *points to Jane Doe* who was sitting out in her front lawn was the one who was moving towards my client. Now-
Prosecutor: OBJECTION! 
Judge: Objection accep- wait? Where did the defense go?
*Everyone looks around for me and begins to hear whispering coming from the jury* 
Jury member#1: She’s right here *points next to them*
* Jane Doe stands up* 
Jane Doe: Oh you blended right in with that crowd! *sudden deep voice* TELL ME YOUR SECRET!!
*Jane Doe transforms into a reptilian*
Me: Quick someone pass me something sharp! Are these stands made out of bamboo?
*My client tosses me a knife* 
Me: Thank you. 
*Stands there staring blankly at the knife at hand*
Jury member#2: Aren’t you going to do something?
*Snaps back into reality*
Me: Huh? Oh ya.
*reptilian begins eating jury members while I carve out stuff*
Me: Done!
Jury member#3: What the **** is tha- *gets eaten*.
Me: A bamboo canon, duh. And it was a terrible idea wearing a red shirt today. 
Somebody needs to watch more Star Trek, seriously. 
Does anyone have gun powder?
*My client passes me that too*
*Puts it all together and uses the bamboo canon on reptilian* 
Jury member#2: OMG it worked!
Me: All right, now where were we? 
*walks back up in front of judge*
Judge: No, this is over. The trial is over. The case is ov-
Me: OBJECTION!
Now, although my client did have tools on them today that could have potentially been used to kill Jane Doe or her family, let me explain-
Virgo Client: What are you doing?
Me: I’m trying to defend you.
Virgo Client: He’s letting the case go, c’mon let’s go.
Me: *whispering* I’m not sure if I want to do that.
V Client: YES you do, you have to-
Me: I don’t have to. Give me a moment to think about-
V Client: No, let’s g-
Me: Don’t bother telling me what to do you don’t have the right cards 
*flips my playing cards over to reveal an ace and a king*
:) 
V Client: *plays the v-card* 
Me: FCKIN’ HELL. Where is my ANTENNAE?

Lol that was really bad, I'm glad I got to mention Star Trek though.;p

Btw I gave Jane Doe a sex change half way through so some masculine/feminine terms may have been mixed up.

Edit3: Here I wrote another one but I couldn't fit the edit here (answer too long) so I printscreened it and uploaded it to pb (just click on it to enlarge it):
http://s1094.photobucket.com/albums/i444/Nattie69grrr/?action=view¤t=12.png
:)

? · Answer

BQ0 - I'm Sagittarius and I can't relate to that description in any ways. I have to say that I had already read that... and I absolutely hate the descriptions! It's so negative and bad...
BQ 1- Gemini or Scorpio, I suppose the person is a troll and made this just for fun, just to upset some people ( like me)... I like to troll, also, but not in this way x)

I would love to answer to BQ2 but I am afraid I will not write in good english =S

Anonymous · Answer

1. Take The Money. 2. Takes The Cd And Walk Out Of The Store. 3. Yes. 4. I Would Save The Children 5. Yes

? · Answer

Aries - The Ram. Can we say annoying? And did I mention full of themselves? They talk too much and think they are far more important than they really are. They can get downright nasty if they don't get their own selfish way, they will swear at you and call you names. They are egotistical and in general overly aggressive. The perpetual salesman. They are the type to be always trying to sell you something. They think their jokes are funny - but they're the only one laughing. 

yeah that's bought right, especially the ''only one laughing'' part.

? · Answer

Leo - The Lion. Selfish, selfish, selfish, mean, jealous, nasty, Leo's put even the most evil tyrant to shame. Catty, petty, they lie and steal and will not hesitate to take advantage of any situation they possibly can. Very manipulative. Gossipy little back stabbers. They cannot keep a secret, don't tell them anything you wouldn't shout from the rooftops. They are mean little kitties. When you see one, run! They will try to scratch and bite you.  

They are mean little kitties hahahahaha that really makes me laugh. And yeah i can be selfish sometimes i will admit that but i don't take advantage from someone unless they did something to me then yeah i'm a mean little kitty. And i'm very good in keeping secrets.
xxx M.

‎ · Answer

BQ0: I'm a crabby, and hey I'm not cheap! Well I can be if I'm running out of money :P 
BQ1: The part about Crabby being EMO is exactly what that sunburned fake librabella irrationally bashes about.. so I guess Libra :P

BQ2: http://i50.tinypic.com/123xe3d.png

? · Answer

I steal notes and books but I don't steal money.
The one who wrote it is definitely not aquarius.
I am a good driver but that guy wrote that driving in wrong direction???
I got a good sense of directions.

Anonymous · Answer

I don't steal. The other stuff is true though & My mother really was psychotic.
BQ1 - idk
BQ2 I'll defend a fellow Taurus. The word "alleged" means the charges won't even stick most of the time :)

I saw an Aries do that once.

Anonymous · Answer

extremely tough issue check out at yahoo and bing it can assist

Anonymous · Answer

HILARIOUS! I'm a sagittarius and the religion thing "killed" me. I would never do that in real life but I can see how someone would. I'm super into religion and spirituality... it's one of my passions

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What do you think of these funny/generalised 'Evil Horoscopes' - [Creativity question]?

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