Yahoo Answers is shutting down on May 4th, 2021 (Eastern Time) and beginning April 20th, 2021 (Eastern Time) the Yahoo Answers website will be in read-only mode. There will be no changes to other Yahoo properties or services, or your Yahoo account. You can find more information about the Yahoo Answers shutdown and how to download your data on this help page.
Trending News
I am married for over 42 years to a man who is a recovering alcoholic. He comes to church with me. He is?
involved in Celebrate Recovery, a Christ centered recovery support program for addictions, hurts, habits and hang ups. He acts one way in front of people and totally different at home. He is very unloving, cold and distant. He refuses to listen when I just feel like talking. He walks away when I ask him if I can share a scripture with him. Yet, in front of church people, he fakes it. He tells me he doesn't need "that stuff" but says if he stops attending meetings I will leave him. I had to leave when he started drinking again after 16 years sobriety. He has PTSD, Viet Nam vet, and so many hang ups. He gets violent when drinking. I am 63. He is 64. I keep a clean house, orderly, and am a very good cook. I have a happy personality and love to travel. We are so different. Should I do anything or should I just accept his 2 different lives and be content? I told him that it was up to him whether or not he attended church and CR. But, that being his choice, he also has the choice to drink or not. I cannot make that choice for him. But! I can choose to leave if he starts drinking again. What would you do? I find it is getting more and more difficult to talk to him even about everyday things. Can anyone identify with me?
Thank you for your answer, JustMe. That last statement you made about him not appreciating me is one of the biggies. He is miserable in his own skin, and he puts me down (I think) to make himself feel better. He gets so upset when I figure something out that he can't. He told me once a long time ago, that he is jealous of my intelligence and my zest for learning and for life in general. I feel so stuck. We have a nice house, mortgage free, 2 vehicles, and have been here for 38 years, in his parent's old neighborhood. He cannot let go of past hurts, and supposedly he left Viet Nam, at 20, with a woman there pregnant with his child. He has hang ups. But, I didn't cause them!
Thanks, Small Bus. Owner. That makes so much sense. I am watching him let his life deteriorate and he is doing nothing about it. Now that I am told he only comes to church and CR to make sure I stay, it feels so fake. I feel I don't have grounds for divorce. He doesn't hit me anymore. And I don't think he ever committed adultery but I cannot say I love him as a wife should. He has squashed it. I was so devoted to the point of stupidity. I honestly feel sorry for him. This is so difficult.
Thanks Freebird. I am so grateful for all of these responses from you guys. We do have 3 wonderful grown up children. 41, 36 and 34. They are all married, all have children and all love and serve the Lord along with their spouses. So, I need to get on my knees and really pray about this. I have spoken to our pastors and they are very strong on keeping the marriage if at all possible. I feel that, too, but realize both pastors come from very strong Christian backgrounds with great parents and no alcohol problems that I am aware, so maybe they don't quite get what I am going through. My children support me and they say they see that their dad does not treat me well. I raised them mostly alone, as he worked offshore and when home, he was usually drunk. I don't want to hurt him. I just want him to get better. In his head. In his heart. In his spirit.
5 Answers
- 9 years agoFavorite Answer
Well, I'm 64, VietNam vet, recovering alcoholic so I can at least identify to some degree with your situation. I was drunk the entire year in VietNam and for 14 straight years thereafter, then dried out and have been dry for 29 years. For the first 10 after I quit drinking, I was what we call a "dry drunk" -- no alcohol intake, but still consumed by the same demons, compulsions, and internal agony. Then I spent many years and many thousands on a psychotherapist's couch, and achieved real serenity -- sobriety with peace. There's always a reason for heavy drinking, and it still exists after putting the cork back in the bottle. Until and unless your hubby does the very real and very difficult work of rooting out those monsters, he's doomed to spend the rest of his life battling them.
How he acts in public isn't the issue -- how he treats you is what you are living with. If he's cold, distant, non-communicative, and sometimes violent, I think you would be a self declared victim if you stay. You can't change him, but you can change addresses. You don't have to wait for him to start drinking to have a reason to leave -- you have one now. We all have the right and the self responsibility to live a joyful life, and being a martyr isn't part of the plan. VietNam was finished 40 years ago, it's time for him to grow up, get over it, and treat people in his life with respect. You're not getting respect.
Source(s): Living it. - Freebird TinaLv 49 years ago
You are not alone and once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. At any age the way he is acting towards what is supposed to be his wife is UNACCEPTABLE. I was married to an alcoholic and it is a disease that not only affects the person but the loved ones as well. You should not have to put up with this. I would suggest he cleans his act up or get out. You sound like a very loving and decent God fearing woman and this is one of those times of which your faith is being tested, Well do not allow the devil to take away you identity within Christ. It took me a long time to realize it was NOT my fault and that I was an enabler to my ex husband's disease. If this has all just started then you need to put your foot down around other people, so that he does not try to physically attack you. I would also suggest taking the time to talk to your pastor about this as they are a great source of counseling and help you with this. I wish you the best of luck
- Anonymous5 years ago
What could come to my brain? That IS my dating. I'm forty two and my boyfriend is sixty five. He's mature, some thing I have not skilled with "guys" my possess age. He is aware of find out how to deal with a girl not like "guys" my possess age. I paintings, he is retired. Is he wealthy? No. Is he relaxed? I think. He's a no-frills sort of man and I'm a no-frills sort of girl so we get alongside fairly good. We revel in every different's corporation. The simplest factor that involves brain is a forty two 12 months historic isn't a woman, however a girl.
- bunnyONELv 79 years ago
As you must already know? Life is short...Staying such a marriage is trapping yourself in a prison somewhat that you feel you can't escape from...It is hard to start over at your age (mine too) but I did through the death of a spouse, that said? I would NOT stay married to someone for this long who again and again, could not rise up to meet me as a wife and partner in so many ways that I don't even know where to START. When you stay day in and day out with an unhappy person? It becomes YOUR life because you don't STEP AWAY and BREATHE the air of freedom if not being up again and more in the norm of life...
I am not that far off from your age, have dated a few LIKE your husband since my husband's death and it reaffirms my belief? One is far better off SINGLE and away from the poisoning influence of UNHAPPY MEN (in this case, as it can be a woman also).
Life begins again when you take action; when you stand up for yourself and REBUILD YOUR LIFE...I know what I'm talking about...It takes time, is painstaking, but is DOABLE and the rewards, even at this age? Are many and gratifying...
You, as you must know, are ONLY responsible (can only BE responsible) for your own behavior...Not his...You're living in a nightmare if you think otherwise...
Grace
- How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
- 9 years ago
I can identify.... my husband doesn't drink very much, but he can be very cruel. He can also be a nice guy. I don't know that you'll ever be content with this man. Sounds likes you're a wonderful person. I'm sorry your husband doesn't appreciate you.
