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Could someone please read my piece?
Ive been trying to not only improve my writing but also develop my own style but so far I haven't found anything that I'm comfortable with. Whenever I look back over my work it just doesn't seem good. I'm not sure how to explain it but anyway does that happen to a lot of people and how do you develop a writing style does it have anything to do with the books you read?
This is just a piece of writing I was working on for a class project.
She took a long breath and tried to regain her bearings. It was easier said than done. The side of her head was throbbing and her hands were tied tightly behind her back. She looked up the light instantly blinding her.
She blinked it off and tried to take in her surroundings.
She was in some sort of room. A living room maybe.
What was going on? Who did this? Her question was answered when a tall dark haired man stepped into view.
She began to panic and scream but he was already on her, his thick hands covering her mouth.
"Come now." He teased. "There's no need for that."
He slipped his fingers under her blouse and playfully teased them upwards towards her chest.
He felt her tense, but all it did was egg him on. He grabbed her breasts and fondled them getting a feel for what he was dealing with. When he was satisfied he then reached for her bra strap. She tried to fight him off but it was like a ton of bricks pinning her down. She felt completely helpless. Then she heard it and by his reaction he heard it too. The doorbell.
He tightened his grip around her mouth and started to regret not gagging her in the first place.
The bell rang twice more and then Rose heard something that made her heart leap.
"NYPD!"
4 Answers
- 8 years agoFavorite Answer
I like it, but in the start, it feels as though your stopping to much. I just thought of this a bit:
She took a long breath and tried to regain her bearings. It was easier said than done. The side of her head was throbbing and her hands were tied tightly behind her back. as she looked up, the light instantly blinded her. She begin blinking it off and tried to take in her surroundings.
She was in some sort of room. A living room maybe.
What was going on? Who did this? (Did she think it? This confused me.) Her question was answered when a tall dark haired man stepped into view, as she began to panic and scream but he was already on her, his thick hands covering her mouth.
Then continue with the rest, don't know if I made it worse, but can you do me a favour and look at mine?
- Anonymous8 years ago
It's really good, you completely captured to atmosphere you needed/wanted to create. The only criticism is have is that you have a lot of repetition of the word "she". Maybe you could replace some of the she's with the character's name? Also you aren't using many complex and compound sentences. I realise that short sentences create suspense but you need some variation. Another slight thing is that maybe you need to describe the surroundings and set the scene a little more. Appeal the the senses e.g. smell, touch, sight etc.
You are very very talented and have a good style and vocabulary, you just need to expand on this!
- Anonymous8 years ago
Sorry I can't tell you how good this is according to academic writing and style but it is really interesting I would like to read more if there was more :)
