Fancy new Asus, gonna murder the clickpad?

Right clicks everything, magical spontaneous zooms.

I am seriously going to throw this laptop across the room - I hear it has some sort of jolt protection, so that should be okay.

My congrats for graduating here's a fancy new laptop for you...

I graduated with a biology degree, not IT. I have no idea what to do to disable the clicks (like right click side of the clickpad, or the zoom, or the quick scroll over here as fast as you can)

Its a Zenbook, Asus.

Something about drivers?