The person I spent 18 years with died suddenly and I don't seem to feel anything. Am I in denial?

I definitely do not think that you're a cold hearted person, Reader... I actually understand quite a bit where you're coming from.

As you might or might not know, I recently cut someone out of my life who used to be extremely close to me. We didn't spend eighteen years together, but our relationship used to be very personally and intimately profound. (Although we were never romantically involved.) I'd never had a best friend like that who had had such an impact on my life. We shared a lot of experiences with each other, and we were each other's first person to come out of the closet to. But in the last few months of our friendship, I kinda began to despise him for a multitude for reasons, mostly to do with how he would treat me when we were alone together. Given how much we had loved each other and how much we had experienced and gone through with each other, I kind of assumed that it would've been a lot more difficult and heart breaking to cut him out if my life than it actually was. But the saddest feeling so far that I've felt is realizing that I don't feel anything at all now that know I got rid of him, even though I know he's devastated over the end of our friendship.

So where I'm going with this is that sometimes it feels like you should feel worse than you do about something, and you don't. The only bad feeling you're experiencing is knowing that you don't feel bad at all. Like your brain feels worse about what's happened than your heart does. Which is strange, isn't it? Most times it's your heart that is getting out of control with the feelings, and it's your brain that's trying to be like "Okay, it's time to calm down a bit, heart." But then there are those moments where your heart feels nothing at all and your brain is just like "C'mon, heart! This is no time to be an insensitive mound of coal!" It's like your brain has this idea of how your heart is always supposed to respond to things, and it gets upset when your heart doesn't follow the rule-book.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this human dilemma. There's never one set-in-stone response that everyone must have to death. It's always complicated and I think we always ending learning something new about ourselves when it happens. Or maybe we're not "learning" anything new, we're just changing with the experience. I don't know.

Best of luck, Reader.

(((*hugs*)))

The way I see it, from what you've detailed ....

1. You have Already had Closure - for the last 2 years especially. For you - whether it was physically, emotionally, psychologically, or spiritually - she was already 'dead & buried'. You had come to terms with life without her. You no longer needed her. You may have forgiven or forgotten, and were well & truly on the path ahead. Hence, the news did not pierce or affect you as it might have done, say 3-4 years back. At that time, it would probably have evoked some kind of response or reaction, even if it were mere anger or frustration or even relief.

This news of her death is like a much much delayed & belated obit in a newspaper.

2. It is human tendency to preserve (or at least want to preserve) the rosier & happier memories. That is what you've done. You are done with your anger & angst. But those 18 years of togetherness will remain in your psyche/memory through the happier times you spent together, through the lessons you learnt, through experiences you went through. You would not want to dwell on the harsher realities of those times as they would conjure up negative feelings only. And I do not see the point in that.

For the last 4 years, I have simplified my life tremendously - be it relationships or just daily living. And altho' I sometimes feel like I've lost a bit of my heart, I have consciously cut off all the negativity & uncalled for stress - things or people one has no control over. If I can't change my basics, how can I expect others to change for me ? Better to have & treasure the happy memories of past times, than to be faced with stress & tension & negativity. In No way does this mean that I do not love that person or am ungrateful for the times past. But life is too short to spend fretting & fuming.

So, no I do not think you are in denial or crappy & cold-hearted. You are a survivor who has experienced a vast range of emotions with her & have spent all your internal forces & energies - you just don't have any left to give to her any more.

Nostalgia, in fact, is good & positive. You are accepting & treasuring her & the times together - not negating her existence.

Later, or during vulnerable moments, you might find yourself suddenly in tears at the finality of this loss. That would also be natural.

As Kelly said, there is not One or Correct way to grieve or live life through choices one makes.

Just my 2 bits & personal experience....

Hope it helps a tad ?

Considering the relationship was destructive, that could be the main reason? When you reflect, it's possibly on the negative aspects in terms of being associated with the person which is maybe why you aren't really feeling anything regarding her death. It could also depend on how long you have been separated for as well, or maybe it's just the numb feeling because you haven't come to terms with it yet.

How we do/should handle loss is always a complicated answer. But your situation confuses it more. The simple answer is "what you're ging through is normal. Don't worry." But it gets much more complicated after that. Traditionally, there are 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. There is another model which adds pain/guilt and "upturn reconstruction". No two people go through these stages the same way or at the same speed. Many don't go through all of them. But, it's important to realize that you are in fact grieving a loss, in whatever form that takes, to accepting the grieving process and allow yourself to go through it and then to reach acceptance. Sounds to me like you're doing fine, given all the complications in you relationship. Good luck, and blessings if they help

Somehow, based on your read and the nature of your previous transitions, you basically already "grieved" her demise. That's my feeling about it. Sure, there could be some "shock" and "denial", but ultimately I think you let go and "buried her" a long time ago.

NOW, it's just become a physical reality. Peace Brother.

Probably you are suppressing it because of its disruptive potential. That's normal for an old soul like you, and it's a good thing, a wise thing. That said, it should be noted that we are counseled to not grieve overmuch for the dead -- it disturbs them during an important time. My condolances for your loss.