What should I do when inlaws have taboo conversations?

LOL Are you living my life?! Seriously...this is what happens in my family as well, only it's my mother who always trying to get my husband into conversations or debates that she knows will get him going. It can be a big problem, and for a long time, my husband didn't even want to go over to my parents house because it was always a big, stressful situation or confrontation.

So, my husband and I started therapy about a year ago, and this is one of the issues that we have been working on. Our therapist has given us some great advice, and I am happy to say that after employing the suggestions and practices that she has given to us, we enjoy lots of nice dinners with my parents now.

First things first...because they are my parents, it is MY job to be my husband's advocate. My loyalties must be with my husband at all times. This was tough for me, because I am an only child and very close to my parents, but I realized that my husband is really my immediate family now, and my parents are secondary to my marriage, so I cannot allow them to do things that will purposely drive a wedge into my marriage. I had a sit down talk with my parents, explaining the situation, how it makes me feel and how it makes my husband feel, and as afraid as I was to have the conversation, in the end, it went very well, because my parents love me enough to realize that they were hurting me by creating turmoil with my husband.

Secondly, my husband had to practice not getting roped into these debates and conversations. This was tough for him, but he learned to either be quiet or to change the subject in a really slick way...the therapist helped him with that. The trick is when these debates first start, you have to diffuse them by turning the attention to something else, like asking your mother in law where she got the recipe for the fabulous meatloaf you just ate, or if she has any advice on what you can do to keep your house a little cleaner...things that will work to her own feelings of greatness and make her feel as though she has something to teach that you want to learn. If she attempts to avoid this type of distraction, then you just have to be as agreeable as possible, because she is looking for a fight...you have to say things like "you know, I can understand your point" or "you have a really good arguement, there"...this will diffuse the situation because people like this thrive and feed off of the dramatic confrontation, and if you don't allow the confrontation to happen, then they will get bored and move on.

Lastly, if none of this works, then it will be your husband's job to stand up for you and sit down with his family and let them know that you will not be spending as much time together unless they can "behave". When he comes out on your side and basically says that if things don't change you guys won't be around, then it's likely his parents/family will rethink thier behaviour.

On a final note, I would suggest that maybe you and your husband see a therapist that can help you with this. I only say this because a good family/couples therapist will have more in depth suggestions for you that will help a lot more than what I can give to you in this short space. You'll be amazed at what you can learn from a good therapist, and if you don't get these things under control now, then it will only get worse and start to harm your marriage. Good luck!!!

You may consider them boorish know-it-alls, but to me it just sounds like something more interesting than talking about their job or about people you don't even know.

The reason they can't accept being vegan is because they were raised on meat and potatoes. That's all they know and have no intention of changing. And if neither are vegetable eaters, then you'll never win that conversation, so just tell them you guys can agree that you can't agree on that.

Politics and religion---who doesn't have a beef with one or the other? Especially since religion has it's fingers deeply intertwined in so many political arenas. Not to mention the millions of dollars the lobbyists from each group has invested to get their agenda pushed through.

Some people just like to hear themselves talk. They don't care if you agree or not, they just like to talk.

Just let the conversations roll off your back like water on a duck's back.

These are people who like to talk about their ideas, and if you're uncomfortable, that's unfair.

I've seen "Conversation Starter Cards" for family meals. Maybe that might be a nice and gentle way to steer conversations and start enjoying your family to see what other ideas they might have.

You can't tell people what to think, but if you get everyone on board to honestly ask questions they hadn't thought about before (something as simple as "What was your favourite toy as a kid?")

It gets people talking about fun stuff, and you might actually start being able to relax during your meals and see a lighter side instead of old subjects being constantly re-hashed.

The exciting thing is these people obviously know how to talk and debate, so you could be in for a real treat.

Best of luck.

I'm curious if your husband take your side when this happens? I would want my husband to be some support.