Wrong to have a Marriage Ultimatum?

Rather than issue an ultimatum, which is rude and selfish on your part, you calmly discuss your desires with the man you are dating. There is a difference between "I'd like to be married within 2-3 years" versus "I expect to be married within 2-3 years and if you don't do it then I'm going to dump you right now." Would you go along with that? I doubt it.

I told my now husband when I moved in with him it was not going to be a "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" situation. I was polite and respectful but also made my intentions and desires clear without being demanding or issuing an ultimatum. I was 18 days shy of 30 when we married (my second, his first). We've now been married just shy of 2.5 years.

The entire point I am trying to make is that it is okay to express your desires and interests so you both know what you want and when. It is not okay to issue ultimatums because you feel it's necessary or because you're pushing 30 and perhaps feel a need to be married as soon as possible. A relationship worth becoming a marriage is one that takes time to develop and grow, not one that is on a rigid timetable.

ETA:

You're welcome! Glad I could help!

This is what you said, "I'm not the kind of crazy girl that drags a guy to a jewelry store and just about demands to get married."

But you are! You want a committed relationship, 1 on 1, absolutely knowing you are each other's life partner within 3 months! That's desperately seeking a ring. Then you are going to lower to the boom about your mother living with you!

I'm afraid to tell you that with those two items alone and not even getting into the ultimatum BS you will have scared away 98 percent of the men you meet. No guy wants to be penned up like that. It sound controlling and desperate. You can try it but I don't think your responses are going to be to your liking.

No, it's not a good idea.

I don't think you have this quite figured out yet. Your friend who was living with her bf for 7 years? Yes, it was time for an ultimatum. (But if she had not moved in with him before getting engaged she may not have needed an ultimatum. Moving in together before marriage decreases the odds of getting married and increases the odds of getting divorced if you do actually marry.)

But to give a 1 1/2 year ultimatum from early in your dating relationship? I don't think that's a great idea. You're asking a guy who barely knows you to commit his lifetime to you. I don't think many emotionally healthy men would be turned on by this.

Here's my advice:

When you find your wonderful, monogamous man be honest with him about the fact that you are the type of gal who sees marriage in her future. If he doesn't feel the same way, end the relationship and move on.

If he feels the same way then enjoy your relationship and work on getting to know each other better. Eventually if he is the right man you will find that you desire marriage not just because you like the idea of marriage but because you are sure HE is the ONE. Your life will seem better with him than without him.

There is no time table for feeling ready. You may feel ready after one year...or you may not feel ready for three years. Let your inner knowing guide you, not some pre-ordained number of months.

If by the time you realize you're ready he still hasn't asked for your hand have a conversation with him. Find out how he feels and why. Then use your inner knowing again. If it becomes clear that he will never want to marry you then break up. But if you're unsure as to what's going on tell him how important marriage is to you and go from there. He may just need a little more time or you may need a new man. Make your decision to break up with him (if you do) not because 2 years have gone by but because you think you and he are heading down different paths and do not have a shared goal of marriage to each other.

I think you have to be rational for one thing getting to know someone this quickly can have some serious backfire. I think first of all finding someone that actually wants marriage is key that is what you need to be up front first of do not even bring up the ultimatum in the beginning. Get the guys perception on marriage in general that should drive away some of the losers that just want in your pants. I think as well unless the guy is like giving you a promise ring or talking serious at about the 3-6 month mark he is not interested in long-term. I would seriously just be honest with yourself and potential mates explain on the very first date what your after and if they are not interested leave now don't waste time like marriage in less than 2yrs, how many kids you want etc. Really if your a catch some guy that wants the same things you want may jump at the chance but placing a ultimatum on marriage that may put a big wall in front of walking down the aisle.

In reality many men and woman do not want marriage they would just be happy living together having the kids etc.

JUST TELL THEM YOU WANT MARRIAGE IF THEY DO NOT DO NOT EVEN WASTE MONEY ON WINE. Just tell them thanks for coming but we have different agendas.

No, that's not incorrect for you to grant him an ultimatum right this moment. you're a competent individual and function executed issues objectively. i won't help feeling that he has not been common to you along with his thoughts. i think that he became into not precisely overjoyed once you get carry of pregnant. Any conscientious male spouse would understand your desire for the marriage and in certainty hurry. Your spouse seems to have the mindset that 'that's no enormous deal'. Your words on your question and its info advise which you're greater extreme on the subject of the relationship than he's. i'm not sure of your age, yet i'd advise you to look on the excuses why you're thinking an ultimatum. someplace deep interior you lies the certainty of who he's and what you desire. perhaps that's time you began doing something for your self and your toddler. to not be understood or taken heavily with the aid of your spouse is gloomy. in case you do pass forward with the ultimatum, do so with comfortable firmness simply by fact your existence path is returned being desperate. If there's a small danger that he will understand his wrongdoings, it ought to charm to his greater advantageous area, somewhat than his anger, and he ought to respond to the ultimatum in a tremendous way. the two way you're arranged to honour your self with the aid of finishing up the implications of your ultimatum. existence would have greater, a lot greater to furnish you yet. you may desire to be arranged.

i think that would scare guys honestly.