What do you think of this query letter?

I do like the last paragraph and don't think you've given too much info.

Her father and the other leaders are planning marriage alliances for their children. Keita’s grandfather once left the clan to live among humans, and Keita wonders if she should follow in his footsteps rather than accept this unknown future.

-- THis is a weird transition (and goes back to the bad grammar). You say that her father is planning an arranged marriage. Then in the next sentence you go off on something seemingly different by mentioning her grandfather went to live among humans. there's no connection there as it stands. There MIGHT be a connection in your story, but you need to make that clear in your query. Is she thinking about running away like her grandfather to avoid the arranged marriage? If so, then you need to make this clear in your query.

It sounds like you could have an interesting story, but it's not summarized well in your query. I see a lot of other things wrong that I'm unable to help you with (or articulate in any meaningful way), but maybe someone more articulate than myself will see those same issues and do a better job at articulating them. If this is a unique world that you've built, then you should also spend a few sentences explaining it, IMO.

Queries should answer 3 main questions: Who is the character? What does she want? What happens if she fails?

Lets see if I can answer these questions from reading your query: 1) Keita hails from some unidentified fantasy species and does not want to continue with an arrange marriage setup by her father. [I have no idea what kind of person she is.] 2) She doesn't want an arranged marriage so she's thinking of running away[???] Oh, she wants to stay in her homeland and investigate [vague] hints of rebellion. [are you sure this is strong enough to propel the main plot of a novel?] 4)I have no idea what happens if she fails to get what she wants? She'll be married off?

She, her family and friends, and a boy she has no idea what to think about must discover the truth if they want to survive.

-- The truth about WHAT??? This is too vague to have any real meaning. What are the questions she must have answered or else? So this should be something like: she must discover the truth (about...) if they want to survive. This seem like very important info you're leaving out.

I'd leave out the "I look forward to hearing from you" because by saying this, you're kind of guaranteeing yourself a response. Some agents don't respond unless they're asking for pages; which means a no response = no. that might bring on a tinge of embarrassment if you don't hear anything...when you were expecting it. this is just a minor tick, and doesn't really matter in the whole of your query.

I also wouldn't say it's your very first novel. Agents know that most first novels aren't publishable, so you don't want them to get into that mindset when thinking about your novel. Saying that it's your debut novel is better. Saying that it's your first novel implies that it's the first novel you've written and that could bias them against your work and make them automatically think that it'll be crap like most first novels. This is just another tick. I wouldn't include the line about the manuscript becoming unavailable. Most agents will assume that you're querying more than one agent because most writers do. the only reason you'd need to contact them is if someone makes an offer.

I think your query lacks specifics and that can go a long way in understanding your novel and how it's unique and stands out in a v crowded YA paranormal market. Vagueness gets you rejected because it ends up making your novel seem generic, so always err on the side of specifics.

Good luck with your query. Sorry if it comes off too harsh or too mean. It's hard to tell if I'm writing a critique too harshly because,of course, I"m not on the receiving end of my own critique. Good luck with your novel.

Lastly, don't listen to the naysayers who say your book will never be published because this type of plot "isn't in" right now. Firstly, it's not for them to decide this. Secondly, everyone has an opinions and theirs is only one. there are countless authors who were told their books would never be published or there wasn't a market for it, but sent it out anyway and got it published. I've read their stories. Twilight got a mean rejection from an agent AFTER Meyers signed with a publisher. Remember this is a highly subjective industry. Someone will think it won't sell, and then you find an agent who likes it, sends it out, and it sells immediately. You don't need to prove anyone wrong. Do what you do.

Hi, In Madeleine's defence about name calling lots of people want feedback on their work but they want "good" feedback, so the moment they get anything even slightly negative, they will start swearing and name calling at you. Those are normally kids.

Reading this I would have thought you were a teen, because it's not the best written work but I don't know. The best thing you can do it get a copy of Writers' and artists' yearbook as they have query drafts in their to give you an idea of what you should be going for.

But I'm hoping you've gone through the full editing process, or 5-7 drafts and so on.

All the Best to you.

xxx

I agree with Madeleine.

Your Grammar needs to be better.

Your story sounds pretty run of the mill and fairly cliché, it's not got the "Wow!" factor. I don't feel like I want to read it.

Plus I don't think the Agent will like the way you're speaking to them, I was slightly insulted. You may be bringing me business but so far all you've offered me if bad Grammar, poor sentence structure, a dismal plot and there's little market for this right now. You should be looking forward to hearing from me! If you do.

That is what she/he will be thinking. Did you even look at a structured Query letter before doing your own?

The Grammar in this is not nearly good enough as a Query and this letter needs to be more professional, also, sadly your plot and writing are not going to catch a Publishers eye. This is not extraordinary enough.

You can say I'm wrong and call me any name under the sun you like, but I can guarantee 100% this book will not be published.

Usually when someone asks others to critique a query, it isn't worth critiquing. It's usually really bad. This is pretty good, but I see some grammar issues, and you don't tell them it's your first novel. (That's like telling them your age; they start assuming the wrong things about you.)

You need detailed critique on this from people who get it better than I do. Join CritiqueCircle.com and ask on their forum.