In my nontraditional family, what term can my boyfriend's son use to refer to me and our relationship?

Question

Background:  In 2008, I met and started dating a man ("Joe") who had been through a divorce a few years before.   He had a five-year-old son ("Tyler") by his ex-wife ("Rita").  Joe and Rita technically had joint custody of Tyler, but Tyler lived with Joe full-time, and Rita had very little involvement in Tyler's life. Eventually, she moved across the country and gradually ended all communication with Tyler.

Fast forward to the present day...

Joe and I have been together for almost five years.  He, Tyler and I live together.  Joe now officially has sole custody of Tyler, who is now ten years old, and Rita is still entirely out of the picture.  Tyler remembers Rita and is aware that she is his mother.

Joe and I, for various reasons, have no plans to get married.  We consider our relationship to be permanent, and Tyler understands this.  If Joe and I were married, obviously Tyler would be my stepson, but as things stand, I do not know what to call my relationship with him.  Recently, Tyler's younger cousin asked him, at a family event, whether I was his mother, and of course he said no.  The cousin then asked him who I was, and after an obvious struggle to come up with the right term, he said that I was his friend, and ended the conversation.

So, finally, here is my question:  What should I call my relationship with Tyler?  "Stepmother" is false; "Friend" or "Family Friend" makes it sound like I don't consider Tyler and Joe to be my family, and "Dad's Girlfriend" makes it sound like Tyler is just a hanger-on in my relationship with Joe (and also makes my presence in their lives sound temporary, which is especially troubling because of Tyler's fear of abandonment, stemming from Rita's neglect).  As things stand right now, he has avoided the issue whenever possible (when he's had to draw pictures of his family for school assignments, the figures are always labeled "Me," "Dad," and "Kathryn"), but as he gets older he's going to need some way of explaining his family to others.

Any ideas or advice would be greatly appreciated!  (Unless you're just going to tell me to get married.)

i + i · Accepted Answer

Being a MOM has little to do with 
biology or marriage, as you are 
proving with your family situation.
Regardless, given that your setup 
is "complicated" then that is just 
how it is, and he'll always have to 
explain it to others.

Anonymous · Answer

Anyone that I know in this same situation just uses names. You call him Tyler, He calls you Kathryn.
The fact that Tyler draws you in his pictures says it all: you ARE already a part of his family. He is likely already choosing what he feels comfortable calling you: Kathryn. If someone asks who you are in front of Tyler, try "I'm Kathryn," and end it there. If they push harder, then "Tyler's Dad and I have been together for years." No mention of "girlfriend" or anything that sounds short-term or non-committal with your man.

With a lot of love and care and talking (Just you and Tyler and also all three of you), you should be able to make this child know he is loved and secure in his surroundings with you. I am willing to bet you might even find some good children's books that might reinforce the idea of a dedicated girlfriend that you can read as a bedtime story. Always talk nicely about his Mom, no matter how crazy she might be, she could always reappear suddenly. This will let him know he is safe to love his mother AND you.

As for Joe's introduction? Again, a simple "This is my boyfriend Joe" will do. It's nobody's business how long you've been together or what your familial status is. If there's a push, then "We've been together so long, I can't remember how many years."

Good Luck and I hope this helps!

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In my nontraditional family, what term can my boyfriend's son use to refer to me and our relationship?

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