Do I need to see someone?

I don't have a very close relationship with any of my family and the communication is poor, I have to travel every weekend to see my Dad, me and my Mum really do not get on that well, and I just find the rest of my family irritating. I know they only want to take an interest in me and what's happening in my life and everything but I don't like talking to them.

This all got worse when my Granddad died 3 years ago, my grades went down, I never completed homework, I wanted to do it I just don't know why I didn't. I had my whole family telling me I had an attitude, when all I really wanted was for them to leave me alone and stop asking me questions.

On Tuesday my aunt died from an eight year cancer battle and I didn't cry, so my family thought I didn't completely understand, I did, I just don't know why I didn't cry, probably because my Granddad would of told me to stop. I just kept a fake smile up all day. The next day I had to go out for a meal with my Mum and my Nan and I was unresponsive the whole way through, I tried not to eat much as I hadn't eaten for a couple of days before. My Mum was getting annoyed with me because apparently I was being rude but my Nan said I just had a lot going on in my head. I just feel so guilty because I want to say that it's not all about my aunt, that's not the only reason i'm being like this, I guess I can just use this as an excuse to act like this.

Anyway recently I have noticed that I'm really not okay. I seem happy at school, but I'm just hyper and dead inside. I don't mind being left alone at home but if my 'friends' walk off without me I'll start to panic and need to catch up with them, i can't order food alone or buy anything on my own, I can't talk on the phone and I can't walk around school on my own. I constantly seem to be bored and keep forgetting what I'm meant to be doing, I just feel empty all the time just like I have no emotion. I have cried myself to sleep the past to night so hard I could hardly breathe because of the guilt. I have been self harming on off for 3 years now and it's starting to become an addiction. I get jealous of other peoples cuts, burns and bruises. I have a tumblr and it can be an extreme trigger at times. But it's the only thing that gets me through the week. I think about dying every day, like I'll be sitting in a lesson and coming up with ideas, thinking about the best place to hang myself, thinking about how long it would take. Recently I have been having huge huge urges to cut my neck, not in an attempt to kill myself, it's just an urge.

I've also been having a re-occurring image in my head of my aunt led on a metal table in the morgue and all I can feel in my mind is cold, diseased flesh and it will not go away. I can't get rid of it.

My arms and legs are all red from trying to cut the guilt out/away, it just feels like a release and I'm scared because I'm running out of space where people can't see and I don't want to disappoint my Dad as we're meant to be going on holiday in July and I know some of them will still be visible.

I've also been getting angry over the smallest things like if I have to repeat myself or explain someone again and again, or if people keep asking me questions. I get even more angry when people try to tell me I'm being aggressive though. I'm not like this towards my 'friends', only my family and it's not fair on them, I just don't especially like being with them.

I just feel helpless and I don't know what to do anymore.