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Is this excerpt any good?
I'm writing a zombie book and have reached a certain point, but things seem to be going downhill. Is it just me or is this actually pretty bad?
He could see her approaching from a distance, a little girl no more than seven years of age. Her golden blonde hair and sea green eyes sparkled in the bright sun. Even though she was dripping with blood and dirt, and even though her veins were black as night he couldn't help but notice. The hair, the fragile petite figure. The eyes.
She was an almost identical copy of his little sister.
As she drew closer he examined her carefully, she was a mess, a monster of mass destruction, but he could not help but feeling extremely sympathetic. Her pleading eyes reached out to him in a way only his sister could. So he wasn't all that shocked when he fell to his knees and tears started streaming from his eyes.
He tried to wipe them off, but the dirt and grime that caked his fingers only made his eyes sting and tear up even more. He looked up expecting the girl to be there, and there she was towering over him. She suddenly didn't look so small and helpless. She lunged and he knelt there apprehensively waiting for the sharp surge of pain to take over his body, as the disease quickly spread. There was nothing. He looked up, his vision still blurred but he was faintly able to see the arrow that hung playfully from her left eye socket, and within second another whizzed over his head and planted itself into her neck.
2 Answers
- 8 years agoFavorite Answer
That sounds pretty good - a nice mix of emotions, sentence lengths and punctuation. And you have paragraphs! When people write without paragraphs, it makes it really hard to understand.
I don't think your story is going downhill - keep up the good work :)
- 8 years ago
I think it's really good. It's got plenty of good description and surprises the reader, then leaves them on tenterhooks as to what happens next. I liked the excerpt, even though I'm not really a horror book, kind of person.