Can someone help me with a poem?

Question

Okay so I'm not a writer lol but I really like this girl (who likes poetry) so I want to try and write a poem for her for when I ask her out. If its bad just say so and I won't embarass myself haha well here's what I have after about a week of working on it.

Eyes sparkling with life
A smile of serenity
Essence so pure
A perfect personality

Her delicate touch
Leaves me awe-struck
Small winged beauties
Circling my stomach

She radiates joy
And lives merrily
A priviledge I know
When she is with me

When our eyes meet
All worries diasppear
Weights melt away
Nothing more to fear

So kind and tranquil
Together we're free
With her is perfect
No better place to be

Thats it, it's short because writing poetry is really hard lol so uhh don't be afraid to criticize! I don't want any suggestions or help though because if I am going to give this to her I want it to be completely my own. I just wanna know if I should give it to her or not haha thanks!

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

The quickest way to improve poetry is to use concrete sensory details. Instead of using general, abstract phrases like "radiating joy" and "living merrily" or even "leaving me in awe" and "all worries disappear," you can describe things in vivid visual detail with sounds and textures mixed in. 

Also, while something like "small winged beauties" sounds poetical, the idea isn't to make more words in poetry, it's to condense the best words in the best order and to convey the most details in a small space. You could use the same number of words to describe what the butterflies look like. The could be spinning yellow butterflies or weightless, silky wings.

If you don't want to be super direct, i like to even mix senses, such as saying something "tastes like the color blue" or "sounds like sunlight."

 Be specific! Delicate touch is great, but what do her hands look like and feel like?

I think you have a nice foundation here. Don't feel bad if you have to change a lot. Good writers don't write, they rewrite.

Good luck!

Anonymous · Answer

If it's not for school and a grade, why are sweating it? . If it's really a girl this is about, I don't think she's a grammar critic, but I wouldn't give a poem to a girl anyway, better just tell her how you feel; be a man and get over your shyness.


Eyes sparkling and lively
A smile given serenely 
She has an essence pure and innocent
An angel that was God sent

Her delicate touch
Leaves me awe-struck
Small winged beauties (?)
Circling my stomach
( I wouldn't bring up your gastrointestinal tract)

Her pristine and delicate touch
Makes me awe-struck
Small winged beauties
Encircle my heart in havoc. 

She radiates joy
And lives merrily
A priviledge I know
When she is with me

When our eyes meet
I feel I disappear
And float in the air
With nothing to fear

Love in her is paradise and perfect
Her free spirit makes the world free
With her everything's without conflict
There's just no other place on Earth to be

Metzi · Answer

It is wonderfully romantic. Not just the poem itself but the fact that you obviously invested a lot of time in it. I say yes give it to her. I hope she appreciates it the way you deserve.

? · Answer

why not? believe in yourself, if she likes you, she won't laugh
she will think it is sweet

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Can someone help me with a poem?

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