Would you read "The Beholder" tell me how you feel and make this 1st draft better?

I might suggest a couple minor changes in your 2nd and 3rd stanzas as well as your last line.

It's a great read Thomas, like reading someone's diary, I love it.

It's lengthy yet brief in all the right places, and still holds the reader's attention to the end. For a first draft, it's promising and a real nice beginning! My only critiques would be:

S2

This girl I noticed every day was the one the "cool" guys left alone

Maybe I looked deeper, she wasn't so much a looker like all the others

sort of a ragamuffin, with big round piercing eyes, full lips

a diamond in the rough, and I thought look what you're missing brothers.

S3

I learned her name was Bridget; which happens to be my favorite female name.

Lord, I said, give me the boldness to meet her and let her be as sweet as her face.

I never had a girlfriend, even in high school I missed all the proms,

athletics kept me from girls far too long; help me take charge and embrace.

Last Line:

I haven't met my Bridget yet, but I will soon, and I can hardly wait.

I love this Bri.. It takes me back to when i was in high school.. How i felt.. not good enough... knowing i was pretty, but not in the way i was "supposed" to be.. not in the "cool" way, like the other girls... I was more interested in nature and animals.. than in painting my nails and face.. I was different to the other girls.. and they made sure i knew it.. I did not care at all. I was happy in my interests. But the "cool" guys did not take an interest in me... at least not the guys that the other girls thought were "cool".. but the ones whose beauty was in the eye of this beholder did.. The fun we had, while the others worried about the "cool" things in life.. I wonder did they miss what was really important.. Real beauty.. I wonder to this day, have they discovered, just what it is to be REALLY Happy..

Time repeats itself.. My two daughters are so beautiful... but especially where it counts most.. On the inside.. To know them is to behold Real BEAUTY..

I just wish more young guys understood that Beauty... IS in the eye of the beholder. Instead of falling for what is expected rather than what is.. (-:

Your adeptness at "the lay-out" of a plot line

in my opinion is second to none on this forum

and equal to all the edits I did in College.

For some reason, I was the "teacher's pet"

to one of the most feared and respected

English Professors at USM.

It did help that I did a portrait of his daughter

in oils and he was very pleased with.

I was an Art Major. He came to the painting bays

of the Art Dept and settled on me, by watching me

over a period of several weeks.

This was a year before I had him as a teacher.

Our personalities pigeon-holed well.

The thirty year age difference made no difference and

he would give me advice on some dumb 19 yr old misstakes

in judgement I would make, including girls.

This was before the internet or HIV.

You begin by enticing the reader.

You know so well how to sulpt phrases.

You twist a bit here, tilt and angle there... and surprise when needed.

Your placement of modifiers is always spot on target.

This is exceptional writing.

If you had the inclination

and found a subject or inspired event that

"boiled your blood", you could be a first tier novelist.

I don't say this lightly or to flatter you.

Your gift of introspection, intuitive insight and your obvious writing

abilities confirms this by example.

Kudos*****Bri.

You made the eye of the beholder the topic.

You forced that on us in your spoiler opening, "To the reader," paragraph.

As I read the story though, I felt many topics could be found throughout the piece.

There is the vulnerable school boy, shy, unsure and made weak by his lack of courage.

An uncool loner who blames his inadequate ability to make a friend, on his busy, athletic circumstance.

And I find the building up, the waiting to meet, is more intriguing.

The "eye of the beholder" as presented here, seems feels more like pity.

Bridget is shun by the cool guys and I imagine the cool, "most beautiful" girls too.

The beholder guy sees her as a "ragamuffin." He hopes she is not Greek,

because he is Sigma Chi, and above her. He is more interested in her Identity and

not who she already is.

Your writing continues to improve, in that, this piece shows more of your ability

to write about feelings. Good work.

Love it. And the title. You always know exactly what you're writing about. Your thoughts are precise and bang on all the time, every time Bri! How do you manage to do it?! So true, beauty, true beauty, lies within and it takes a true beholder to recognise and value it...good for you and her.

Thomas, this one gives me a sense of entertainment in the fact that I am sucked into wanting to know what comes next. I love how you came outside the box and put the main character into a different perspective than your usual. I also think the length fit perfectly within the poem, short or long when needed. You did a great job and I cannot wait to see your finished piece!

Write as though your life depended on it. I could tell you things that happen on that bridge that would make your hair curl. Life in south Louisiana...what a thrill!!

Every day I get home I feel like I've won another game, at my expense.

Terrebonne Parish cares nothing for their employees. Nothing at all. We are used unmercifully. All for their damned parish tax.

Oh, Thomas, I read L3 S3 as, `Let me be as sweet as her face` and was wowed.

I will not retract the wow as this is a good cameo poem of yours.

It might flow a little more imho

and your summarising line might not end with a preposition

for it makes the preceding narrative, which is steady, and

draws us happily along, become jagged, or jarred slightly...

that`s easy to amend, yep?

:).

I can't wait to read what happens next , your really good at writing cliffhangers .Romanticism gets me every time , Have you ever seen the movie ''Misery' ? . Where she kidnaps this guy who is a writer and because she didn't like the way he ended his story she keeps him as her prisoner ..And she's no seraph ..lol ''real frightening stuff'' I'm nothing like her .. Now let's see how it all ends Bri LOL :)

Love it :)

Get over your adolescent shyness and go talk to her ;-)