Is it ok to tell children they are adopted before they can ask for themselves?

You really should have told your fiancee soon after dating that you are adopted. You could have dumped her when she showed signs of having a problem with it. Your fiancee would have found out from someone. I think you should end the engagement if you can't tell your fiancee everything about you.

1. Your fiancée is nuts. She can trace the family lines back through your adoptive parents on Ancestry.com if that's what she's doing. It's about love, familiarity and culture, not about DNA. I've always identified culturally with my a-parents, not my bio-family. I know my bio-mom's side, and interestingly what I know is similar in ethnic background to my adoptive father. My children have been told they are sons and daughter of the American Revolution because both of my parents can trace their roots back to the 1600s in the original colonies. Or is she worried about genetic medical things? If you're a healthy individual, then that is at least some indication there is probably not some dreaded genetic curse coursing through your veins. And if there is, by the time your children are born if you have them, they will be able to catch it early. Enough of that.

2. Have you every talked to your parents about how you don't feel your adoption is the most important thing about you -- by far? That you're not ashamed of it or unconfident because of it, that you're grateful to have had them as parents, but that as an adult you need to be in control of who finds out, and how and why?

3. On the other hand, it's something the person you marry should know.

You'll be ok.

I agree this should have been your information to share with your fiance. However, why had you not already told her before getting to the fiance stage of a relationship. Not making a big deal of it but sharing as it is part of who you are.

If she has a problem with it for whatever reason then perhaps the woman has issues beyond the superficial.

There is a lot for you to think about regarding your future.

It's best to tell kids before they can ask, to make it a normal part of their life story.

I'm sorry your parents acted so oddly about adopting you. My parents were matter-of-fact about it and it was never a problem for me, or for my brother.

Any person who would reject someone solely on a lack of genetic history has some pretty deep problems, so if that is the reason you break up with your fiancée, it's likely for the best. Imagine if in her genetically perfect world she had a genetically imperfect child?

Wishing you well

It's completely normal. Discovering you're adopted shouldn't be some great revelation, it should be something you're aware of, like being a boy or a girl.

"now she has a problem because she can't trace family lines back"

How remarkably shallow of her.