I'm terrified of having a mentally retarded child!?

Question

Okay, so I know how that may sound, but I think it would be incredibly unfair to myself and everyone around me if I lied and said I was cool with caring for a mentally retarded child. I'm not. I know that it is something I could never handle 24/7, for years at that.

However, my boyfriend and I have recently started talking about marriage. I love him deeply and believe him to be my soulmate, but he has two siblings who are mentally retarded. One is so bad that she has never held a job, can barely speak, and has to have every little thing done for her. The poor woman's parents are going to have to take care of her for the rest of their lives, and then I suppose maybe she'll have to live with us (which I'd feel very uncomfortable with, but she's already family so I'd feel guilty turning her away). The other sibling is not as bad, but he still is limited in a lot of areas. He may never be able to be completely on his own either. 

I know this stuff is genetic (those two aren't the first in their family history to have these cognitive issues), but the thought of having a child of my own like that simply terrifies me. This sounds awful, but I feel as thought I would never love that child 100 percent, at least not as much as I'd love a child without any form of retardation. I've expressed my concerns to my boyfriend, and he admitted he is also concerned about having a child like that, but he said that since we both want children that's a risk worth taking. I'm not sure that it is though. Aside from my own personal issues with it, I'm aware that there are so many other reasons for not having a mentally retarded child (I won't go into detail because I know some people out there may feel offended, however true the reasons may be). 

Advice? This should get resolved before we get married, right?

Crow · Accepted Answer

If you are afraid of giving birth to a mentally retarded child, then there are other paths you can take. You could get a sperm donor, that way there is no way your son/daughter will be mentally retarded. Or you could adopt a child, and give then a loving family. I am not saying that you have to do what I said, but you could do them.

Take A Test! · Answer

Actually most conditions that cause developmental delays and mental disabilities are NOT genetic. 

You cannot guarantee you will have a perfectly healthy child. There are things you can do to lower your risk and/or identify genetic risks prior to pregnancy, but even with donor eggs or adopting a newborn baby you cannot guarantee your child will not have any disabilities. It's the gamble you take when you have children. 

Also don't know why you think it's going to be your responsibility to take care of your boyfriend's siblings. They do make long term group homes and things for people to live, you don't have to do this and have them move in with you. 

You obviously have a lot to talk about with your boyfriend. You would also benefit from speaking to a doctor / genetic counselor about your and your boyfriend's family history. 

The good news is that the vast majority of young women have babies that are perfectly healthy. And even if your baby was found later to NOT be perfectly healthy, you will take whatever you are given and you won't view your own flesh and blood as a burden. You will love that child no matter what.

A Yahoo User · Answer

Have you thought about getting a genetic screening? That way you can see just what genes your boyfriend and you are carrying and if there even IS a significant chance of you having mentally handicapped children.

Anonymous · Answer

you think your too cool for special eds

Andrea · Answer

if your pregnant, dont EVER make fun of special people.. they're people just like you & i, & making fun of someone like that would come back as bad karma & your child will turn out like that..

Kim · Answer

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I'm terrified of having a mentally retarded child!?

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