Will you pull the lever to "The Execution" , C.C. and improve this poem please?

Question

I am more and more respecting and honoring the YAP answering poets, instead of just posting a poem, hoping for good answers and c/c and moving on.  Not bad at all mind you, but if folks take the time to answer, I want to take more time thinking about what you have to say.  This is not a first draft per se, and has taken some research and work, but I also want to bring it back later, so I stopped here and decided to post it.  Too, I had so much going on in my head I felt I could write a short story.  Thanks, Thomas
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The Execution

As I stand here up on the freshly constructed pine lumbered deck
With noose around my throat, the festivities administrator shouts:
“Five minutes!” till hanging; comes a lifetime of memories above my neck
Take inventory of a life lived and learned then settle any doubts

I love the south, a cowboy, rancher, a Texan, but I said no to slavery
Was a cattleman by trade, before the war my main clients went north
One of my customers became a lifelong friend, a man of doughty bravery
Recalling my delivery of goods to Gettysburg, and his a speech henceforth

Loving what one does makes it easy to be a cover for what one must do
First look after my wife and three daughters, then clandestine abolition
Slavery was wrong; black folk deserved nothing less than what I can accrue
For years my operation succored them northing to discover freedoms coalition

My last haul of livestock; week of April 10, 1865 this time to Washington D.C.
After a year of moving cattle, and freeing slaves along the road to perdition
The Emancipation Proclamation was signed saying all slaves were like me; free
Time travels slowly to the south, as slavery remained part of the human condition

Six days after Robert E. Lee surrenders thus ending this treacherous Civil War
I stand at the Ford’s Theater with the president to pose for a daguerreotype
“Our American Cousin” premiers; am ensconced adjoining presidential boxes door 
For some reason, I looked at my watch; 10:15pm and heard a gun shot snipe

Out of my trance with suddenty as a minister was giving me my last rites
I regret the lack of time on earth to finish thoughts of a man I would soon see
Also, my wife and kids murdered by the confederates, to them I see the lights
“LAST WORDS?” the administrator asked?  I looked beyond the cherry tree

Reflective of one execution to experiencing another, I joyfully yelled: FREEDOM
 I heard the lever pulled, felt the scuttle open and
down 
I
went to my …..

_______________________________________________________________________

No More · Accepted Answer

This kept my attention and my interest from beginning to end. 
I really like it! A lot. 
I got right into it.. felt like I was there and you were exactly
the person written about.

? · Answer

I read this twice.
The way you layer longer story-related prose is
admirable, and something I have much trouble with.
You make it seem effortless, natural,
but all of us who write know the opposite is true.
I often measure the effectiveness of a piece
by the number of TD's........Jealousy rears it's
green head.
Kudos to you, Mr Carney.

? · Answer

Ho yes !
 this has real promise. I read it through several times. It is obviously not a first draft if it had of been  wow!
I do think it needs some work here and there to bring it up to your usual standard.

I love the south, a cowboy, rancher, a Texan, but I said no to slavery
I love the south, a cowboy, rancher, a Texan, avast said I to slavery (gives more punch)

Time travels slowly to the south, as slavery remained part of the human condition
Eradication travels out of time dissipating southerly, slavery's vestige haunts of soul

last lines
 I heard the lever pulled, felt the scuttle open/ to descend to heavens gate
one last look towards me final destination took.........

A very nice piece which tells a sorrowful tale of past, let us all learn from history, as it has a way of returning. (lest we forget)

Lauren

TD ha ha ha small minds = small actions boo hoo suck on it!

Anonymous · Answer

My goodness, what J Arthur Ranker's are doing all these TD's? B....loody kids the lot of ya...

What is wrong with Roann's answer that warrants 7 TD's? Or Bann's with 4?

Breezy with 9TD’s Caitlin’s got 10, Ok she didn’t like the piece fair enough…But 10 Td's, Jesus H.

? · Answer

Thomas I really do like this poem! :) It is like one of those poems they make you read in school and decipher what is being said. I understand it and the story line is clear I read your notes and I like how you ended it. You are an amazing poet who really gets into the character's head and runs the extra mile to make your poems beautiful.

? · Answer

Good Thomas Ã±_Ã±. I like this. Execution ha ha. I remeber one game Alice Madness Returns.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYS-CGoiGCc

The executioner chasing you is terrifying.

Greetings.

Hope Leslie Shy · Answer

A good choice of final word or words.
It makes me wonder how many innocent people were executed by law.

PANDORA Πανδώρα · Answer

Well, you have certainly left us with a cliff-hanger.
The suspense is killing me with this chilling tale of execution.

Elysabeth · Answer

So, as a time traveler, you became Lincoln? Pretty damn good if that is truly the case. If not, try to arrange it so that this poem becomes what I said.

And-----WRITE A BOOK!!!

? · Answer

It's brilliant Bri..you took me to another time and place. It's vivid, chilling and very very real.

Especially find the last line poignant..

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Will you pull the lever to "The Execution" , C.C. and improve this poem please?

12 Answers