How is my first draft? Please be brutally honest.?

Not bad but could really use some editing. Right now it's too wordy and words like 'smile' are repeated so much that it's distracting. When you edit, use as few words to get the point across as you can. 'My brother always had a way with people.' 'I think it was the benignly cool smile that he gave everyone...' You get the idea.

Starting with a character waking up is one of the biggest cliches any story could start with, sorry (the weather being number one). You want to give it some kind of hook where something unusual actually happens to the character. Then you'd have something that would make me want to continue reading. I won't be brutal, but I'm more curious about the night before and what actually happened then. Starting with the aftermath...I don't know, it seems to dance around something that could be extremely interesting instead of delving right into the actual problem here. In my opinion, whatever dreadful thing that has him crying would be a blast not only to write - but a much more interesting hook.

If you want honest opinions I wouldn't come to Yahoo. Everyone always says something sounds good when it may not actually be the case.

I think it needs a lot of work. I do think you've got potential to be a great writer, but you need to scrap this altogether and start with a hook. No offence, but I don't even care what happens, because nothing has happened. You've got someone waking up... the biggest cliché in books and the biggest killer in getting published. Now, I don't know what the book is about, but unless there's a good reason to start with someone waking up, then you should never have someone wake up on the first paragraph.

So if you want honest opinion about what you should do, I suggest changing this scene and start with a hook. Ask yourself if this really needs to be the beginning, or can it be moved later in the book? Or maybe start the book later in when something happens? What you really need to do is get the readers asking questions from the very start, the earlier the better.

Hopefully my advice helps.

To be "brutally honest", it isn't too bad, just needs a few small fixes. It has a nice and suspenseful ending so far and you did a good job describing your characters through their actions. (Christine sounds like a grouch.) I would however note places the character is thinking. For example use apostrophes around what he is thinking (or italicize if you prefer). 'I think it was his smile, yes that was it, his smile.' It helps readers know what's going on so it doesn't seem strange to them. With that - always, I repeat: always keep the dialogue in quotation marks (and use proper punctuation). Finally, the last sentence seems a bit off. I think it would hold the suspense better if you lessen the description of her smile. For example: ... Waiting for me was a scowl and an unexpected visitor.

Don't stress. The story line is fine it's just that there are a few small quirks.

Very good writing. I don't mind the fact that your story starts with a man being drowsy in bed, but I do mind your clipped paragraphs. A paragraph should be longer than one sentence unless it's conversation.

I enjoyed it. I really like the start but the middle did drag just a little (maybe it's just me). But all in all I thought it was very good.

i really like it, could you put the rest of the story up once its finished? i'd love to read it