I miss my dad but i hate who he is?

i was terrified of my dad when i was a child as he never spent much time with me and shouted a lot. he was verbally abusive towards my older sister and used to pull her hair or drag her around. i don't remember much of this as i was very little but it caused me to be cautious of him.

when i was 8 my parents split up and i started seeing him on weekends. when i got to 14 i had to move in with him as my mother became an alcoholic when i was 10 so i left when i could no longer cope.

my dad took me in and protected me however he would would put alot of pressure on me about school. i was on target for B's in my gcse's but i was slipping in science, i did not get any praise for what i was doing well in, he just seemed disappointed as i wasnt doing well in science and said i need to work harder.

i realised i was very unhappy living there as i never left my room, i just sat on my laptop and spent very little time with him. he never told me what was going on with my mum and stopped me seeing my sister as he wouldnt allow her in the house. i felt very alone :(

one day i had my friends round and he wouldnt let a boy in my room even though i had my 2 best friends (girls) and my stepbrother in there. i decided that i would meet the boy outside the drive of the house as he didnt know where i lived and invite him in as my dad said we could stay in the living room.

my dad ended up dragging me into the house and shouted in my face. this terrified me so i shouted back in defence. he was very intimidating and scared me alot so i ran to my room and tried to lock the door but i was not fast enough and he barged through the door causing it to hit me very hard on the head. i was in shock and started to cry but he continued to shout and his girlfriend said i was over reacting

i didnt want to stay there as i was terrified so i told my friends what happened and chose to stay at her house just up the road. i left through my bedroom window as i was on the ground floor (i admit this may have been childish but i was very scared and didn't know how to handle the situation) i had been through alot already and couldn't cope with more drama.

as i ran out of the drive he chased me and grabbed me by my arm, he tried to drag me across the street and left alot of bruises on my back and arms. he shouted abuse at me until he eventually gave up and left me.

i then went to stay at my friends house that night but was worried i might have concussion as a had a large lump on my head where the door hit me so i didnt sleep much. i called my sister as she knows what he can be like and how aggressive he is but she never thought he would do it to me.

i then went to stay at my mothers house again as her drinking had calmed down. he never informed me of how ill she was and that the doctor had said she was going to die so i could have never seen her again if she had died.

the only communication i had from my dad was a text telling my if i didnt go back he would assume i was at my mums house and leave all my belongings outside. he left all my things in plastic bin bags outside my mums house. including my cat.

my mother told the school what had happened as i didnt have correct uniform and they involved the social workers. my social worker was new and thought i was just a stupid teenager who was very immature when in actual fact i know i am very mature for my ages as everyone tells me so. i may have acted immaturely but i had been through alot and was having trouble coping.

she was very bias towards my father as he is very good at manipulating people. he will not pay child support to my mother but her solicitor wont communicate with him as he sent her abusive letters so she refuses to have any contact with him.

i know he is a bad person and i know all about how abusive he was to my mother and my sister and that he will never change. he is not someone i want in my life however i cant help but miss him. i need a father figure in my life. i think about him every day.

i just want the father i thought he was then i was 9 and i loved him. i want that man back but i know that is not the man he is.

im am not sure how to cope with this and i dont know who to talk to as none understands. i dont want to miss him as i know he isnt a good dad but i need both parents. i dont want to ever speak to him again. he missed my prom and had never once tried to contact me since or even acknowledge my existence. the fact he wont pay child support makes me feel like he has disowned me as his daughter and pretends i dont exist. he sent me some money for my birthday but i would rather he was involved with my life or just stayed away as hearing from him makes me really upset and i cry alot when i think about him. i cant even look at a picture of us with out crying.

i have lost my dad, it is almost like he had died and i am grieving for him.

i dont know how to get over it and forget about him.