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Giving ex wife want she wanted. She is still not happy. Whats a fella to do?
We were married 15 years. She reentered the work force and fell in love with a married co-worker. I found out the hard way, his wife showed me a b-day card my then wife gave to her husband. We have been divorced a year and a half. She has yet to let it go. I met her at the grocery store a few days ago. She was walking out as I was walking in. I said something to her cute and clever, as I always do and we continued walking our separate ways. No big deal. So I am in the corner of the store digging in the frozen fish cooler, turn to put my stuff in the cart and there she stands. She has this blank look on her face. I said whats up? She doesn't say a word, just stares. Again I say whats up? Sh says " I hate you ". I said you mean to tell me you walked all the back in here to tell me that??? Again she says nothing. I lean over my cart and kind of sort of yell " Godd@mn it ( fill in name ), what do you want from me??? Most women would love to have an ex husband like me. I am a good, involved father, I do not screw you out of any money!! I am giving you exactly what you wanted, you wanted the divorce, you wanted me out of your life. I am giving that to you. I don't call you, I don't txt you, I don't do drive by's, I don't stalk you, let you live your life while trying to live mine!!! What the f@ck do you want from me?" She starts crying and says " that's the problem ". Turns around and walks out.
We have two awesome kids. We had great little middle class family. I was not the perfect husband I know, but I was/am a hard worker, provided well. I never cheated on her, never abused or drank too much. I did get a little too comfortable and maybe took alot of things for granted on some levels. But she is the one that found her married soul mate, had the affair, wanted the divorce. I have gracefully stepped aside and let her go. Here are just a few things I have endured from her over the past 1.5 years:
Found the key to my house and "broke" in at midnight and crawled in bed with me
Her married lover sent porn to my work after me and his wife met to discuss the affair
Punched me in the mouth on Christmas morning a few days before divorce was final
Cries when we meet and tells me how much she misses me and that she is not doing so well
"Broke" into my house again a few weeks ago, got me out of bed to talk on my back deck until 4 in the morning
Showed up uninvited on a camping trip I was on with the kids.
Too much more to list
If this is what she wanted, and per the b-day card she gave to this dude, she is madly in love with him, why is she pulling all this crap when all I am doing is just trying to pick up the pieces and move on?
15 Answers
- 8 years agoFavorite Answer
What should you do? Change the locks on your house, continue with your current mindset, treat yourself to a nice evening out and enjoy life without the emotional stress of your ex wife. GOOD FOR YOU for being such a stand up guy.
- 8 years ago
Hi, I am sorry you had to go through the pain of infidelity, I know from experience how awful it is. It sounds to me like your wife is a confused woman who needs some help. I would be curious to know if she is still with her affair partner. Often times when a person has an affair and thinks they are "in love" with that person they will make decisions based on that feeling, only to find out when the dust has cleared that it was infatuation and they have destroyed their lives for nothing. Affairs are tricky things that deal with a lot of internal conflicts and damage on the unfaithful person's part. Usually affairs are really about how screwed up a person is, rather than about love.
It seems from what you say that your ex-wife may be angry at you for not fighting for her. She may blame you for "pushing her into the affair", and then not fighting for her when you found out. Many unfaithful spouses are unable to take responsibility for what they have done and instead put the blame on their betrayed partner. They believe that they were neglected or mistreated and so the only option they had was to step outside the marriage. Ridiculous, I know. No matter what is happening, there is always a better option than betrayal. Though there are many other reasons why people have an affair, this one is common, and maybe that is your ex's issue.
You seem to be doing ok with everything based on your description of your interactions with your ex, but I know how deep it can cut so if you are interested there is a book called After the Affair by Janis Abrahams Spring that may give you some insight to why your ex acted the way she did, why she chose her affair partner, and even why she may be acting the way she is now. There is also a good section on forgiveness in case you need help with that. Besides that the book is a great one on relationships that may help you in your future. I would also recommend you suggest to your ex that she see a counselor, she probably won't listen to you but it sounds like she needs one. Anyway, good luck, I hope everything works out for you.
- 8 years ago
You sir, a lot of women would kill for, seriously. We all know, a marriage isn't perfect, but you proved to her to been the best husband you could. Putting her, and your children first, and nothing else. The love you established, was toyed with in the end. Now, she taking the punishing consequences, being a now ex-wife, who is filled with regretful-jealousy.
All her actions from what you listed, shows she's jealous and is regretting his decision. She probably expected you to suck up to her, and beg her to return and fix the marriage...well she was in for a reality check. You wanted a divorce, something she probably didn't see coming. She thought having an affair would be fun, try to get the best of both worlds as if it was some kind of game, well...game over for her. She was expecting a second chance, but not all people are gracious of giving one.
What you listed is a prime example of her regretful-jealousy. Breaking into your house, punching you in the mouth a few days before the divorce was finalized, showing up to a camping trip unexpectedly. Those are the jealousy signs, you can move forward with you life, picking up the pieces while being a bigger person, as she's stuck in a confused, emotional rut. From when she cries when you met, saying she's not doing well, to crying in the store when you asked, "What the f@ck you want fro me?" Just shows how the grass wasn't greener on the other side, and she wants back.
- Anonymous5 years ago
Have you lost your ex, and are now asking for help on "how to get my ex back when he's moved on'? Don't bother moping, because what you have lost does not mean you have lost it forever. Here are some quick and simple tips for learning how to get your ex back even if he has moved on to another woman and no longer appears to be interested in associating with you. Learn here https://tr.im/Sg1lB
1 - One of the most advantageous things that you can do is simply to be his friend. Make a really good friend to him, showing him that you understand him and that you can be around him without creating any drama. Show him that you can joke around with him and have a healthy friendship with him. When the drama and stress of the relationship and breakup have subsided, he may realize that he wants you again.
2 - The first step to getting the man of your dreams back is finding a way to convince him that he still wants you. Unless he really, really does not want anything to do with you, then there are a number of options that you can employ from this point on.
3 - When you communicate with your ex boyfriend, be sweet and kind to him but don't be afraid to have a little bit of attitude. You are going to want him to want you, but you're also going to want to give him the feeling that he cannot have you just yet. While playing games is not the best way to go, you do not want give an air of hard to get, making him more interested in the process.
4 - You should be playing a little bit hard to get, but you also want to make sure that he knows you are available. You shouldn't completely rule out the concept of flirting and hanging out with friends, because drumming up a little bit of jealousy never hurt anyone - But it is important that you play it safe because if he doesn't think you are available, he probably will not find the motivation to pursue you.
5 - Avoid acting desperate at all costs. If you act desperate, your ex boyfriend will under estimate you. You are going to want to play things cool, letting him know that you are okay with everything that has happened, and that you are willing to move on. If you act desperate, things won't work out the way you are intending them to, so avoid doing this at all costs.
- Anonymous8 years ago
wow. sounds like she is taken away of how well you racted to the divroce. You are not behaving in the manner she expected (to your credit). She relaized her new found marriage was not what she thought it would be. She is now crying for help indirectly. She is trying to give you opportuity to "talk her into coming back to you", but you aren't having any of it. And it frustrates her. She is not happy with th emove she made and she is not happy that you arent begging her to come back. Whats a woman to do ? LOL She seems miserable and has some slight to mild OCD issues from what I read. Her infidelity behind your back speaks volumes and personally I would not ever trust her again. She obvioulsy has a void in her life and neither you nor the lover has filled it. She sounds confused. And although you admite you arent perfect, you sound like the more grounded one by a long shot. So what to do? Get to the bottom of her happiness. If she wants to be with the other guy then tell her she nneds to stop contacting you.Because it will only lead to continued unhappiness on her part. If she wants to come back to you and you want her back then start dating on a trial basis, as long as she is clear and over with the other dude. Other than that, I dont know. I would sleep with one eye open and one eye closed and lock your doors, change the locks and ad a security system if you dont have one. Ooutdoor motion triggered flood lights would be good to. Not that you dont want her to come over, but at least you will have to "let her in" next time. NOT her just barging in or breaking in. That is absurd.
- Anonymous8 years ago
Dont do anything... She left you, she betrayed you, shes broke into your house, she has physically abused you. You might not have been the perfect husband which you admitted but that doesnt give her a reason to cheat and hurt you and this other mans poor (ex) wife. Your being there for your children.. you owe her nothing. Next time she breaks into your house call the police it might make her think twice in the future and remember.. she said she misses you but if she meant that she wouldnt have left in the first place, just because a marriage is having issues it doesnt give her the right to have an affair and then to blame you, yes it hurts but your better off alone than with someone who you cannot trust and who obviously doesnt respect you
Good Luck x
- Anonymous8 years ago
Your ex wife has some serious psychological issues. She is simply reacting to feelings without using any sort of external moral or logical compass. What she feels is what she does. I would say that this is probably exacerbated by some sort of clinical depression.
I would say that there might even be some sexual abuse in her past, whether she had admitted that to your or not. Obviously, I can't say that for sure, but some of her behaviors are exactly like what one of my ex-girlfriends used to do who admittedly had been abused by her grandfather as a little girl. She would show up in my college apartment and climb into my bed in the middle of the night, and when we were broken up would miss me so much more, but then if we were together would want to be with other guys.
So, I'm not saying you have to get back together with her. But I think it might help if you look at it from the perspective that she is not just doing all this to be a manipulative *****, it's because she has severe psychological issues and doesn't even realize it.
Unfortunately for you, because she is the mother of your children, you are going to have to be dealing with this to some extent for the rest of your life. The BEST thing for your children, is to see that their dad continues to show patience, kindness, and understanding toward their mother. You don't have to take her back to do that. As they grow up, they will notice that she's unstable and emotionally immature. And they will be watching your example of how to deal with it. Grounded, emotionally healthy kids come from watching a parent display patience, kindness, and understanding toward those who need it most.
- Anonymous5 years ago
he has been badly hurt and wants to keep an option open. since this can be interpreted as lack of trust and commitment it may well be best to form your own protection by buying if you can and then renting it out. I think you will find that despite a house not being in your name if you contribute towards upkeep and mortgage he has to share some of that value of years with each with you in a case of a failed relationship. since he is unwilling to allow you to contribute to this end he may be trying to simply feel safe as hurt before but at same time it does not bode well for a committed relationship. personally I would not have asked for house to be put in both names but would have insisted on sharing costs and mortgage etc ( or why get married?) I see it as I would if I were to form a new partnership with somebody already owning a home as their main asset and having suffered from a financial crisis as separate form a new relationship. I would try to agree a value on home now and then agree that we would jointly contribute to all costs and living expenses ( as joint marriage partners) and IF? the relationship were to fail at a future point then that amount of value be excluded form any financial settlement we agree. you both need to sit and talk about fears and expectations.