have any lesbians ever felt this way?

Look I think that after a year I realized I was a lesbian and I am soaked in tears. Just to confirm that I am one for the final time and stop being depressed about I just want to know if some lesbians ever felt this way.

Look im about to turn 16 and if I was in denial I was pretty damn happy.

Ever since I was small I have liked boys, and crushes on buys that last forever. I had sexual thoughts of boys at a young age, but I also got turned on by some females at times. Not my friends but females in sex scenes. But sometimes when I saw my dad watching girls stripping on televison I would not get turned on and I would look at my moms underwear magazine and would not get turned on. It just depended on the situation. I remember when I was young I had a dream about a naked woman and it freaked me out. I remember running to my mom and telling her in sobs. I moved on from that. I had a friend she was my best friend. I would hate it if she would go play with other girls. I dont remember ever having romantic feelings for her or sexual feelings for her. I remember I would have huge crushes on make celebrities and would get jealous if they had a girlfriend. I wanted them to be my boyfriends. In 6th grade I saw an episode of a nudist body where people were eating stuff off each other and I got turned on by the idea of eating food off a woman. I had about 8 crushes on guys in elementary school and I would get butterflies and turn red when I saw them or get close to them. I remember this was one lady that would hug me and her boobs would always be in my face and I would HATE IT. I thought it was gross. In middle school I got a huge crush on a guy and each time he flirted with me I would be the happiest girl and when he sat close to me i felt shivers across my skin and I would cry when I found out he had a girlfriend. I wanted to be with him and kiss him and hold hands. I would even think guys we're cute or hot. I remember having a crush on 2 guys and thinking I would want to be with them and each time I got close to them i felt shiver and would shake because I was so nervous. I remember catching guys looking at girls in porn and thinking ew that is gross. But I got into lesbian porn and started getting curious. I would fantasize about guys and get wet and turned on. I remember being in a sleep over with my friend and being in the bed with her and my mind would tell me kiss her. But I felt repulsed at the thought of just doing that. I just thought of her as a friend.

Then high school came and I found two guys that when I first saw them, wow they are gorgeous.

I would try and act cool with the spiky haired guy and I would blush. The other guy I thought was extremely hot was unobtainable until he started texting me and i started crushing on him. He would ask me to go to movies with him, and it felt right. I wanted to go but my parents would prohibit me since I was not old enough. I started having sexual fantasize about him and would get extremely turned on. When he asked me out I was happy but then I got depressed. I liked kissing him but i wanted to be with my friends. I missed my freedom. And i liked it better when we were just flirting with each other like crazy. He broke up with me and I felt numb. I got jealous, extremely jealous if i saw him flirting with other girls.

So i moved on with another guy and i felt red, would freeze up around it, I would love it when he started at me and would be so happy around him. I daydreamed about him but i never though of hi in a sexual way. I loved him.

I started masturbating but i didnt really like it until i used the shower head. I would fantasize about guys but it wouldnt make me orgasm. I would get really horny when i fantasized about them and it made me want to masturbate but I could never climax. I did have urges to have sex with guys and I ended up liking a friend named Eric. I would daydream about being with a man,and having children.

But i started doubting my sexuality and now i masturbate about girls, not my friends because i get grossed out about random females, i make them up. But I dont have sexual urges towards girls and I have never like one. But when I ask people tell me i am sexually repressed. Then why did I care about how I looked around boys. Why did I feel happy, butterflies, nervous, intrigues around a guy i liked? Is it because I was sexually repressed? I wasnt repulsed by them. I remember writing my name and replacing it with the guy i like last names. Im so confused. Was i sexually repressed I cannot stand the though of being a lesbian it makes me want to be in bed all day. Not because i wont be accepted just because I dont want to feel this way. And I just cant go back to normal because i need to know. Im just in so much pain. Im so desperate. I just dont know what to do. Why am i fighting these thoughts if ima lesbian. Why? I just want to rip my hair out.