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Critiques are needed, please. Be truthful and tell me if it sucks.?
Loser
By: Theo Jacot
Hola! How’re you doing? Yah… busy Saturday?
Is what should have been asked.
Wow! Someone is looking ravishing today.
Is what should have been said.
Instead, this bizarre and angelic being;
Resembling an hourglass from heaven
Came and asked,
Hey did you do last night’s homework?
Enthralled by the thought of acknowledgement,
Enamored by her mere presence,
Engulfed by her hymn,
Entranced, I stood like still water, uninhabited by life.
Silence ravaged the atmosphere,
And the crickets danced their nightly rituals.
My muse, my chance escaped my grasp
And from her breath silently escaped, loser.
4 Answers
- Mark MarkLv 68 years agoFavorite Answer
I have to say, that is,
After reading this thing.
That maybe it doesn't not suck .
At being a good poem
But maybe it does suck
At being a good poem
But it does not suck at
looking like a poem
At least from a distance.
Maybe
- Anonymous8 years ago
Yes, we've all been there!
The poem works well.
Well observed (although "hourglass from heaven" sounds glib - perhaps that was deliberate?)
The repetition of "En..." in the third stanza is a nice touch, and shows you know what you're doing with the poetic form.
On a more practical note, try again with your vision - you've nothing to lose!
- 8 years ago
its really well written with a strong ending, it has structure
Most people don't actually have a knack for this but i think you do and i have seen alot that get good responses even though they aren't that great but this is extremely good.
