Could you critique my poem?

Question

This is a poem I wrote. Honestly, poetry isn't my thing. I'm better with narratives and essays, but I'd like to become better at writing poetry. This doesn't really have great flow, I know, but I'm really not sure how to make it better. I'd appreciate your tips.

My Shadow

When I turn off the light,
My black self is casted onto the far wall.
He asserts himself onto my mind,
With the antithesis of my learning left in his wake;
Love to hatred,
Acceptance to exclusion,
And soil to ashes.
With the light on, 
My shadow disappears. 
Perhaps I can water those ashes,
And focus the light on them,
And perhaps a sprout will form, weak at first,
But given time and effort, a tree will grow.

ferrisulf · Accepted Answer

Overall I liked it. Thought you got across your message quite clear. For some reason, the usage of "black" the the second line seemed...I don't know, not very descriptive? I guess kind of one of the first words that would pop into one's head about a shadow. I was thinking more along the lines of "featureless" but that's not quite true, is it? Play around with it. Also "casted" kind of threw me through a loop. Grammatically speaking, it is correct, but is more of an older usage. "Cast" is generally what is used. *shrugs* Once again, your choice, as there is technically nothing wrong with any of these things you've written.

I like where you went with this, with the ashes and the light. You might not even need to specify what will grow. Rather,

"But given time and effort,

Something might grow."

Leaves it a bit more open and broad. As before, just bouncing some ideas around. I guess I found the "tree" a bit out of place.

Who told you that you can't write poetry?

I like where you went with this, with the ashes and the light. You might not even need to specify what will grow. Rather, 
"But given time and effort, 
Something might grow."

Leaves it a bit more open and broad. As before, just bouncing some ideas around. I guess I found the "tree" a bit out of place.

Who told you that you can't write poetry?

? · Answer

In my opinion at first it sounds good, like it got me interested in it but didn't like so much the starting of the Perhaps and so on. There it kinda lost me a little.
This is my last poem that I wrote. Hope you like it. It might give you an idea or something I don't know. For me a poem is something that I can express the way I feel and that the reader will understand and be enchanted by feelings.

I'm the petals u r the rose. When i fall i know I'm always alone. U r the sun surrounded by clouds. I'm the moon surrounded by stars. Always alone i find myself, scare of the night without a knight to hold me with love. When the night comes I'm always alone but looking for answers I'm slowly loosing hope. I'm the petals u r the rose if u let the wind carry me, taking me with passion I'll be gone today, I'll be gone tomorrow until all the petals are slowly gone. U r the sun I'm the moon waiting for the day till i see u. I'm the petals u r the rose please don't let go because I'm slowly loosing hope. I'm the petals u r the rose don't let the wind take me or you'll loose your beautiful glow.

Anonymous · Answer

I understand your meaning. And I believe you'll understand my statements. Your old self is gone. Disappeared. Stand up, stretch and enjoy your future. Good luck.

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Could you critique my poem?

3 Answers