Please read my new poem and c/c it? how do you like it?

Wonderful philosophical poem, having journey of life one go step by step. I am realy impressed with the poem.Last but one means 5th stanza is mindblowing, admirable heart touching, no words for this stanza. The entire poem is good but you need to take care of superflous words, "I am in a dimention, dimantionless, lost in" Great. Put suitable words and shorten the prose like lines. Give proper shape of poetry.

Stanza 1. No need to say its like a river flowing out of me. Say

River is flowing out of me,

A river of constant tears,

I am down in the ground,

Six feet under the surface.

I need flavoured smile in life,

In a cup without bottom,

To slide down from despair,

To climb up once more.

Though thirsty, riding a desert,

A desert without U turn ever,

Mirror following into this abyss,

And abyss full of mirrors.

No way out of dimention I am in,

A dimention , dimentionless,lost in,

Half full of void, Half nill of fill,

Smoke is at underground Hill,

Give me a pill of sweet dreams,

wraped around a gun that swallow,

I wish for a wish , that I could wish,

A wish that I lost a long long ago.

When I look out, start rain of tears,

Tears drops black and dry,

Don't know what for even I try,

Yeah, try to breathe or try to survive.

Thanks.

I have editted it if you like change it or keep your original un editted. Its your will. I can only say you have written a nice poem. Read loudly and constently and see the difference if you can find. Do as you wish. You may re edit my editted poem from some wellknown poet.

Thanks

Your images are not bad albeit a little clichéd. "Rain drops", "six feet under", "following me into the abyss", "cliff of despair", "river of tears"... also I find a few of your images confusing; what does "dimension, dimensionless" mean? Or "Half full of void, half nill of fill" mean?

Your poem would be more effective if you work on punctuation. For this, I read my poems out loud. This is the only way you can truly edit and proofread poetry. It is supposed to be lyrical (usually), so reading it out loud will instantly show you awkward sounding sentences.

For instance, when you split up a line with something like,

blah blah blah blah

blah blah blah blah

blah blah blah blah

... in this example, there are no periods, so when you are reading it, you are supposed to read it like it is a continuous sentence. Commas, periods, semicolons can be used to create new sentences in your poetry, separate your thoughts, and give the reader a chance to breathe. You use the comma after most of your lines, which is fine and dandy if that is the creative effect you are trying to achieve, but it almost gives your poem a breathless tone to it when I read it out loud. You might, keyword "might" want to consider taking out some punctuation or experimenting with different punctuation other than just commas and periods.

Dashes, colons, question marks, exclamation points. Language is amazing because you can craft it however you want. Think of it as a cliché image of clay - you form clay - it is there, it has potential, but you yourself as the artist are the one who forms it into something other than just a lump of clay.

In addition, explore more poetry and become inspired from that. Don't copy, but inspire yourself by reading the works of others. Go outside, look for images, try to discover ideas that nobody has used before, and try to portray your meanings in ways that do not frequently resemble societal clichés.

I can see the beginnings of a good poem here, but all poems usually require a considerable amount of editing, regardless of your skill level, so I'd revise it if I were you.

Very sad poem. But hey that's what poetry it for right. It's good. If that is really how you feel life is worth living for...just have to believe your worth trying to get to that good place.

Loved it! You might want to look over your punctuation in some places, but otherwise, great poem!