Please read my poem and c/c. help me make it better in any.possible ways.?

Question

If the sun stopped shining, there might be some reason, 
Clouds, eclipse, or could be a beast swallowed Mr.SUN,
If the river dried up in such heavy monsoon,
Lava, thirsty shadow, or could be a wormhole beneath my toe.

Tomorrow headed back, yesterday still to come, 
It doesnt happen everyday, 
could be you, could be me,
or just another tuesday,
Clocks are flying, and pigeons telling time, 
There could be a reason disguised in this rhyme.

If eyes crying blood, hearts bleeding water,
There must be something wrong, still doctor does not care,
Whose fault is this which brought this chaos?
Stop asking this, and look for the cause of chaos.

It wasnt long ago, when sun used to glitter, 
It feels like tomorrow, when i used to swim in that river,
On previous today, tomorrow wasn't confused,
Clocks weren't drunk and pigeons used to fly.

Either bring back those days, or its hard to survive ,
Its not that hard if i try, I might just rethrive, 
put my head in my stomach and heart on the shelf,
may be no one will regret except a few dreams, dead destiny, and those moments been shot.

Forget Me Not · Accepted Answer

NATURE VS NATURE

Sun stopped shine, but for a reason,
Cloud, eclipse, beast swallowed to sun,
Rivers if  dried in heavy monsoon,
Lava"s thirst, a wormhole beneath my toe.

Tomorrow get back, yesterday to come,
It doesn't happen daily, for you and me,
Clocks may fly, pigion  will tell time,
Reasons disguised thus in this rhyme.

Eyes crying blood, heart bleeding water,
Somthing is wrong, Doctors may not know,
Tell me who is responsible for this chaos,
Stop asking to others ,  look for cause.

It wasn't long, when Sun used to glitter,
Today felt tomorrow, when I swim in River,
Previous today, ahead tomorrow,confused
Clocks weren't drunk, pigion usually fly.

Bring those days back, its hard to survive,
If I won't take serious, I might just rethrive,
Head gone to stomache and heart to shelf,
No regret,for dreams,dead destiny and pelf

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Again very nice philosophical poem, having great idea and theme, No words to praise, liked it also. Same suggessions as said in case of other poem, shorten the length of line, avoid superflous words. make impressibve with suitable words and flow. Read the poem time and again aloud so that you can hear it and see where it goes out of rhythm. If rhyme is not there no matter but rhythm must be there. Try to find out the difference  in editted and unedutted poems and if you like the editting do try to write the same way. I am always ready to help you if I could and  you need and like, moreover availability of time.

I have editted it also see and read if you like you can change it or otherwise let the original be there. Its your will. You may get my editted poem again editted by some knowledgable person to make it  more beautiful. I  am happy to read your poems. Thanks for sharing. GIVE LINK FOR YOUR POEMS WHERE YOU ARE STORING THEM.

Thanks.

Anonymous · Answer

The poem is really innovative and thoughtful. I liked it a lot. Good job! Just keep in mind that every line in a poem starts with capital letter, be it a starting of a sentence or not.

Lapiz Dominoes. · Answer

An astonishing number of references to body-parts,
a kind of sinister jabberwocky?
I think you have though, drawn a truly fallacious conclusion
but I`m assured it`s just `one of those poems`..
lots of metaphors ~ but not hard to dissemble?

*You have used the word `chaos` at the end of 2 consecutive lines*

I guess you might have your heart on your sleeve
to be reduced to jabberwocky, 
and time-tabled pigeons? lol :)

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Please read my poem and c/c. help me make it better in any.possible ways.?

3 Answers