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Jacob asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 7 years ago

need a help writing a poem?

any suggestions welcome, im a nube to poetry but i think i did okay, rate my poem 1/10 also please

Update:

My beautiful bib

By Jacob Wrubleski

You are like a bullet coming out of my gun,

I don’t know where you’re going but I know somewhere,

As beautiful and possibly as deadly as the sun,

it move as elegantly as the world’s most beautiful mare.

You are like a jet gliding through the air,

It gets me hard with just the thought of how fast it’s going,

If you get it angry it can be is as scary as it roars like a bear,

Its beauty destroys my enemies without me even knowing.

You’re like the tank that makes me feel on top of the world,

I know it’s capable of destroying anything in its way,

It gets me harder than my biceps when they curl,

Seeing it makes me thank god everyday… that I know I’m not gay.

You are like the constitution that I would take a bullet for,

Id destroy anything that threatens it,

My life without it is as useless as a house without a floor,

Anyone who disrespects it is a useless piece of ****.

Update 2:

sorry im tired as poop right now lol

Update 3:

its for a girl btw

Update 4:

Saying im glad im not gay isnt saying anything bad about gays, and since your saying you were born that way ill use this explanation to prove my point, if i said im glad im not retarted isnt trying to hurt retards through lavguage, its simply stating im glad i dont have some sort of mental diability, also im fine with people being gay although i wouldnt commit homosexual acts if i was ttracted to males but blaming it on the fact that thats how you were born is stupid, if you dont have a problem with same sex thats fine but if your trying to justify it that means you think its wrong which means you dont beleive its okayyou just do it because you dont care if its okay or not

Update 5:

Also i was born as a weak infant and also with asthma but i didnt say it was okay for me to be weak just because i was born that way its called sacrifice and thats why im strong today

3 Answers

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  • ?
    Lv 6
    7 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    If this is your first poem? It's pretty good. However...

    Guns and love really don't mix, unless you are in love with your gun. Your poem is filled with violent images and a few mentions of love. Who is this girl? G. I. Jane?

    I think you have the makings of two very different poems here. If you can separate them? They might make two good poems. But, when love and violence are twisted together like this? It just doesn't work.

    Does this example explain better what I'm trying to say?

    Your love is like a punch in my face.

    It fills me with hot desire.

    Your knockout comes as no disgrace.

    I could set your house on fire!

  • Anonymous
    7 years ago

    Make it more concise taking out words so that it specifies and focuses on a pinpoint theme. You did a good job with iambic meter.

    Like a bullet from of my gun,

    I don’t know where but you're going somewhere,

    You're as beautiful and deadly as the sun,

    As elegant and beautiful as a wild mare.

    You're like a jet gliding through the air,

    That gets me hard with how fast it’s moving

    If it gets angry it's as scary as a bear,

    Its beauty destroys my enemies without me knowing.

    You're like a tank that makes me feel on top of the world,

    Destroying anything in its way,

    It gets me harder than my biceps when I curl,

    You make me thank the Lord I’m not gay.

    You're like the constitution I would take a bullet for,

    Destroying anything that threatens it,

    My life without it is as useless as a house without a floor,

    Anyone who disrespects it is nothing but a piece of ****.

  • 7 years ago

    I happen to be a gay female, born that way, but assume you might use your methods of destruction on those of us who are.

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