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How should we handle this situation with my daughter and her bio dad?
My daughter is about too turn 3. Her bio dad and I split before I found out I was pregnant and my boyfriend has been raising her since the day she was born. Her bio dad has seen her twice so far in her life due to living a distance away. He says he plans to see her more once his life is more settled.
My daughter is going to be having minor surgery in the next 6 months. I called her bio dad to let him know because our parenting agreement says we need to split all costs not covered by insurance and I am not sure if it will be or not.
He said he wanted to come up for her surgery and to be there for her.
I understand where he is coming from but I am not sure it is in my daughter's best interest.
Firstly, she will be stressed from surgery and having another person there she doesn't really know (hasn't seen bio dad in 12 months so far).
Second, I am worried about conflict with bio dad and my boyfriend. My daughter is a daddy's girl. She absolutely loves my boyfriend and when she is scared and in pain she will want him. I am worried this will upset bio dad and cause conflict which my daughter doesn't need right after surgery. Or, I am worried her dad won't be as responsive to her for fear of upsetting bio dad.
My daughter is developmentally delayed so I am worried she won't understand much of what is going on and I just want her to be comfortable and feel secure after surgery.
Is there a way we can make sure my daughter is taken care of without being rude to bio dad?
6 Answers
- ?Lv 67 years agoFavorite Answer
Your daughter needs 'sameness' and calmness around the time of her surgery. You seem to have a good understanding of young children and lots of empathy for your daughter. Tell your daughter's bio dad what she needs and let him decide whether he wants to focus on his own feelings or your daughters.
- ?Lv 77 years ago
Why not reverse this situation, put yourself in bio dad's position and think for a minute. He is her father and not just the one that will split the cost of medical not covered by insurance.
Surely he loves his daughter and will know how to act. He has every right to come for the surgery. How will he and her ever be close if he cannot attend serious life events in the child's life.
What do you mean conflict with father and your boyfriend? Eventually bio father will be in her life so your boyfriend needs to get used to it.
Fathers have rights.
- Common SenseLv 77 years ago
You are a caring and sensitive parent and I do understand your concerns.
Why not have a three way face to face meeting with boyfriend, bio dad and yourself as you explain your concerns as you have outlined here. Stressing that your interests are that of your daughter first and foremost and that this gathering is about HER, not about bio dad and boyfriend, bio dad and daughter, boyfriend and daughter, you and bio dad or you and boyfriend, BUT ABOUT daughter's emotional security ONLY.
You are all adults, you all understand there are emotions involved but for the good of your daughter, everyone has to stay focused for the sake of daughter's stability.
- ?Lv 77 years ago
For pete's sake, let the bio dad be part of her life, even during surgery. At least he is trying to be there for her during this time and be part of her life, which sounds to me like he isn't deadbeat like many others. If your bf doesn't like it, TOO BAD. He is not her real father and the bio father has his rights. I agree with the other answerer, you need to be in his shoes and feel what it is like for him not being able to see his kid for whatever reason. Think about it.
If you do not let him see his child, you may be doing more harm than good and may find yourself in court fighting with the bio father regarding custody and visitations, etc.
- AnnaLv 77 years ago
as mommy you are to be your daughters advocate. if you think bio dad visiting isnt good for HER (regardless of how it makes you or your BF feel) then ask him NOT to come. tell him you think its best he comes for recovery. dont force it and dont be controlling - just explain as you have here why you think its best.
