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Am I wrong to feel that I still hate my brother after decades?
First of all, sorry if the question seems like it doesn't make a sense. But here's my story. Please bear with me.
I'm 30 now but I just fully realise that I still hate my older brother after so many years.
I could say I didn't have a happy childhood. Like many little boys in grade school, kids of that age wants to just play, but every amount of time I spend with laughter with friends outside were repaid with tears through physical punishment. I don't know maybe I have an undiagnosed ADHD ever since [until now] or I was just very playful and naughty kid, but with every faults I made my brother would hurt me physically (with belt, with rod, slapping. My father wasn't being much of a father to me; he never intervened (because he's quite a man-child) and my mother isn't really a good disciplinarian. I don't know but she just laid all the responsibilities to my brother on how to discipline me.
His beating went on until I was 13. I still remember that I wondered if crying is also normal to teens my age because at that age I still cry everytime he would hit me. At that age that I learned to resent him. I always wondered how long will I have to suffer living with him. When he got married on that same year, I felt like I am the happiest person in the world! I felt being freed from the shackles of pain and suffering... After he moved to a different house with his wife, we've been kind of friends but I felt awkward about it. Our relationship in general is quite serious. We would talk but only to some petty stuffs and most of the time it's a serious conversation with many periods of silence. I was being nice and all but I get the feeling subconsciously that I'm not comfortable being with him anymore--it brings bad memories back.
In 2003, he had a life crisis and he had to live with my parents again. When I learned about his plan, I felt angry, uncomfortable, unsafe, etc, but I kept it with myself. It brought those childhood nightmares back again. But somehow it didn't affect me much cos I was away for college and I only go home on weekends. We don't have fights anymore throughout this period. We are okay-ish but still I have this feeling that I wish he would leave soon.
In 2006, he moved to a new house. Again, I felt that rare immense feeling of joy and relief like when i was 13! He lived there for 7 years and now he has another life crisis and he's here in the house again. :(
I am 30 years old but those pain after 2 decades won't go away! It's bringing those painful memories back. I can't take this anymore. He started living here in August 2013 and on that month we had a confrontation through text. It brought those painful memories of violent beating back again. Since August I felt angry, stressted, uncomfortable and irritable. It also makes me feel bad for the fact that I just started my career this late and I wanted to move to a different house but I am financially incapable.
I'm sorry if some of you will judge me as a bad person but I really have no sympathy for him despite all his problems in his life problems now. It's not that I am happy; I just do not care. If he'll be successful with his small business now then that's good. If in few years time he'll fail again (for the 6th time), I don't care. When his marriage failed in 2008, I just listened to his stories when he shared me but deep inside I have no feelings nor sympathy at all. I really do not care... When i shared this problem to my mother, she said that Im a bad, ungodly person for not forgiving my brother after 2 decades. Sorry I just can't help myself. I cannot teach myself how not to get angry and relax. I think I hate him more and more each day now and I just cannot forgive him for what he did to me. To be honest I'm not sure if this is PTSD-related or whatnot. All I know I still hate him and I have no plans of forgiving and forgetting for all the things he had done to me.
I hope someone could answer me this, or share their stories as well. I also would like to meet some people who had similar experience like this. Thanks.
5 Answers
- Anonymous7 years agoFavorite Answer
Don't feel bad for this. I mean "yes" we should forget and forgive but if you don't feel comfortable with him, don't feel guilty, at all. I also feel like it is more your parents fault than his, I would hate the parents. Why did they give birth to you if they didn't have time for you? They sound totally off in the head, no offence.
For your own health, try to forgive him. I can understand if you don't want to talk to him after this but studies show that people who forgive live longer.
Persionally, I know what you are talking about because I went through the same thing, except it was my dad. He said a lot of things that hurt even more than the spanks. Everyday, every minute, every year. Almost to the point where I felt like if my dad doesn't care about me, who will? why am I even here? I attempted suicide 3 times before. I can tell you a lot about this, but there are no characters left. If you have google+ add me, my name is amberlenin or there :) we can talk about it on there
Source(s): hope this helped - 7 years ago
The problem as I see it is that you never confronted your own feelings or went through a process to deal with them. This is pretty obvious by the vague generalizations of EVERYTHING in our query. Everything has been sanitized. In fact, you may not really hate your brother at all, but instead hate your feelings about your brother. Forgiving your brother may or may not be relevant. It's internal and external health that should be your goal. Having healthy feelings, feeling somewhat in control, these are wholesome goals. To hate, or not hate your brother shouldn't be in front of you, or consuming your attention at all. No one should really have that much power over you, unless you really desire to give it to them.
Feelings can be pretty weird and powerful. Perhaps you love him and want to impress him all of the time. Perhaps his opinion matters too much. Perhaps you hate him and you don't want to, so you feel like it's out of your control. Maybe your brother is a mirror of your psyche and you don't want to look at how you two are exactly the same? Maybe you were abusive to someone, and you blame your brother for your behavior.
The best thing to do is to unravel the mystery of your life-long string ball. They've got the world's largest ball of string in Darwin Minnesota. I have no idea how large or small your emotional string ball might be, but you can unravel it by pulling one uncomfortable string off of it at a time.
Be happy, healthy and comfortable.
- Darkphoenix1Lv 67 years ago
It IS hard to forgive your brother with those traumatic experiences, and your brother haven't even apologized yet. It just got enclosed with time, and you know it. Well family problems are like that most of the time, if it is hard for you to forgive him then don;t forgive. Do not force yourself. You are not wrong here. But if you can try to forgive that poor bastard, if you can okay? It is because hatred is not always the best solution, just realize that he was an idiot in his past years and still he is an idiot now,(for not apologizing) just forgive him.
- MartellLv 77 years ago
See a psychologist or psychiatrist and talk through your feelings with him/her! THEY have the training to help a person work through their fear and pain in a productive way! It is WELL worth the time, and money to talk through all that old stress and be DONE with it--instead of carrying it around in your heart!