Whats the difference in marriage and just living together?

Question

I'm in a serious committed relationship with a 43 year old woman (I am 39)  We've been living together for about 10 months.  I asked her to marry 4 months ago so we are engaged now.  My thing is I had hoped that the engagement would have really... I don't know...  make her empowered to the idea of a long future with me in life.

Well I'm not going to say she's the same ole same ole from when I first met her.  She's come along way, but I still get the feeling her heart just isn't in to it and maybe both feet aren't in the circle of our relationship.  Sure she goes though the motions well and from outward appearances it looks fine.  But that heart feeling isn't there most of the time.

I don't know what else to say, I'm not sure our ideas on marriage are the same and I wonder if time is all I need.

? · Accepted Answer

I think you should suggest marriage counseling as a way to prepare yoursevles for the next step in the journey.  through this, you might be able to get some answers to some questions.

Anonymous · Answer

I met my husband and we got engaged after one month- it was exciting and new and i said yes of course! As the wedding came closer (4 months later) I felt very nervous and unsure. Not that I didn't love him but the idea of "sealing the deal" seamed to come so fast it was scary. If I had to do it over ....tough one. part of me wishes I would have had a longer engagement like a year- or 2!! Would I have still married him?? Hell some days I would say hell no. Today I can say I probably would have made different choices. 
I personally am afraid of anything with finality. So I think it is only the idea of something so "final" that she may be a little leary of. Don't doubt she loves you and by all means- DO NOT MAKE HER FEEL RUSHED that would be my main thing. My husband kept moving up the date and I felt like running at times. I went thru the motions sometimes. Just let her feel your love and patience. If it happens now or years later- it is either meant to happen or it won't. 
Maybe she liked the idea of just 'living together' - and I agree. I think that is a good choice personally. That would have been mine if I felt I could have had it without any hurt or confused feelings.

elcobar · Answer

The difference between marriage and living together involves trust and commitment.  When you truly believe another person is the one you want to be looking at on your 50th anniversary, and you're sure they feel the same way, you're ready for marriage.  But if you think you may change your feeling for that person in a few years, or you're not sure that they're committed to being with you forever, just living together probably seems better than standing before your God, and pledging eternal partnership to that person.

Anonymous · Answer

If you have been living together all this time then the legal system already classifies you as married, if you were to break up you would have to split all assets 50/50 just like in a traditional marriage.  If her heart isnt in it then maybe you shouldnt be with her.  By staying with the one who doesnt love you is taking away from the   person who will love you in a future relationship.  Dont stay with someone just because you dont want to be alone (if that is the case) it would be better to be happy being single than it would to be miserable being married.

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Whats the difference in marriage and just living together?

4 Answers