Secret hurting myself desire?

I have a secret comfort in hurting myself when I'm sad. Its not a constant desire, its ONLY when somebody tries to control me. And not anybody, specially my brother. I live in a society where a man can control his sister and wife in someways. It depends on the family and how you're raised. Unfortunately, my family is not so open minded. When he tries to control me, I feel suffocated, I want to hurt myself and scream like crazy. But I usually shut up and suffer silently. I tried to commit suicide so many times secretly, and one time it happened for real and I was gonna die but they took me to the hospital and I managed to deny committing suicide. The idea of being controlled by a brother or a father drives me crazy. I want to be free, and I feel death could free me. Suicidal thoughts are gone after my suffering for a week in the hospital, but I still need to hurt myself. I stopped taking my meds without telling anyone. I'm sick with some thyroid disorder and it could threat my life. But still, I need to torture myself, but without blood and cutting cause it scares me.. Please let me know if you have a different way of torture.