I am writing an e-mail asking if there are any jobs. Is this formal enough?

Question

This is the e-mail:

Hello, I’m ______, and I was wondering if there was any positions open for employment. As I am only 16 years old, I am still in education and so will only be able to work on evenings (5pm-8pm) and at weekends. 
 
The only experience of work I have had is at ______ charity shop in __________, where I have helped to price and display stock.
 
If you have any jobs available, please e-mail me back and I will be delighted to e-mail you a copy of my CV. If there aren't any I would appreciate it if you informed of future opportunities.
 
Thank you very much for reading this e-mail.
 
Yours Sincerely, _________

Is this formal enough? Should I include more information about myself? Should I attach my CV? Is my spelling and grammar correct? I don't know the name of anyone at the place so I can't mention their name. The e-mail is to the company's general e-mail for the specific shop if that makes sense. Any help is much appreciated.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Well Mr. Moustache, unfortunately nobody will answer your email as it sounds childish and lacks detail.

Here is what you should write:

Hi,

I am a 16 year old looking for a part time job.  I have previously worked at a Charity Shop and have experience in basic administration and office tasks.  I am available for work between 5pm to 8pm weeknights and will be happy to send you my detailed CV if you have any suitable vacancy.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Regards

abcabcabc
Mobile no:  07xxx xxxxx

===============

Oh and make sure you shave off your moustache because NOBODY likes 16 year olds with moustaches, not even your mummy.

Tavy · Answer

Too negative.. For part time work employers cannot be bothered to answer emails. You should really go in and ask.
In future:
Take out Only 16 put in aged 16
You will never get a job for those hours
Take out only have experience - change to I have experience etc
if you want to apply online then you must send in your CV first with a covering email.

Heather · Answer

Your email is not appropriate and it is not going to help you find a job. No legitimate employer is going to read the email or respond to you. Employers do not care about job seekers in general. They are not in business to help you find a position that meets your availability. The way to get a job is to look for places that are hiring. Then go in and speak to the manager and fill out an application. You might want to work with a youth job corps or temp agency as you seem inexperienced.

Steve D · Answer

You'd be better off making up a resume and printing it out (have someone proofread it, you have grammar mistakes in you email), and then go into the shop and ask for the hiring manager.  Think of what you're doing here - you are asking someone to take time to read your email, determine if they are hiring, email your back to ask for your resume, then you have to send your resume back to the person who then has to go back into their email, notice your reply, print out the resume and read it.  That's a lot of work, especially if the manager has resumes/applications already on file.  If they have a position, they will just go to their file and probably delete your email - not to mention, if you go in and fill out an application, even if they are not hiring at that minute, they will have the application on file.  Plus, by going in, you get to introduce yourself to the person doing the hiring and they can put a face to the application.

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I am writing an e-mail asking if there are any jobs. Is this formal enough?

4 Answers